i can fly i really can, wave goodbye familiar land...

i love those pictures especially the second one.. she looks so free, you know? so powerful. she knows the secret. she knows who she is, where she's going. 

my post todayy. is about freedom and being in control .

most of the time i honestly feel completely out of control. but not in the way you'd expect. 

britney spears, in her documentarryy that yes i watched :P, said this quote that made me cry and like is exactly how i feel all the time. 

"See, this is where it's wrong. My life isn't out of control. My life has no excitement, there's no passion. I think it's too in-control. If I wasn't under the restraints I'm under, I'd feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it's like they hear, but they're really not listening."

oh britney.

see, this is how i feel a lot of the time. if i was outta control, i'd be doing crazy things getting into trouble etc. nope. i'm just that girl. blonde hair, blue eyes, all american features, good grades, typical. so typical. 

and i feel like i don't have hardly any freedom and when i get some i just don't even know what to do with it. 

and then, sometimes, your 'freedom' is nothing but an illusion, a painted on image of the way you want your life to be, hoping it will be someday, when you aren't there and you won't be there. 

you're here, now. you don't know how many times i've thought i was free, until the next little thing completely cuts me down and i'm just like where was i? because it wasn't in the sky. 

i feel free to do certain things. but like sometimes i just wish i could say how i really felt. 

how much easier would life be, if we could say what we meant, to the people we needed to? 

like i basically can and do tell you everything maggiee :] and im so glad i can do that because if i couldn't i'd basically be harboring all this stuff that would totally destroy me. 

so this post is kinda all over the place, and i'm not sure it even really relates to freedom in any way. i don't know. i honestly just want to try to live my life without the stress without the world on my shoulders and be really alive and free like i should be. <3 

cinderella.

beautiful, she's beautiful, 

they whisper and admire.

the perfect girl, the perfect smile, 

a heart that's set on fire.

a life under complete control, 

emotions they are numb. 

she finds her worth in someone else

'one day my prince will come'. 

the princess oh she knows

understands what they say.

won't be able to believe it 

till a boy will come her way. 

her days spent with a cliched smile

her nights spent with her tears.

she has no one to listen to 

her hopes. her dreams. her fears.

beautiful. she was beautiful.

they whisper, soft reverance.

her prince couldn't come fast enough

now it's her own expense. 

now all is dark, black and blue

in a cold tomb she lay.

never found, she lost herself

in every single way.

i wanna live forever i wanna learn how to fly.

FAME!

hahaha. cheesy song, but i love the 80's ness and lyrics. haha.

so i love that picture and quote. marilyn monroe is one of my icons. and its kind of surprising, because i didn't know that quote was hers. i would never have though it was. her quotes are almost always fabulously confident and flirtyy. this one she said a little bit before she died, i think.

it's so weird to think about becausee omg. marilyn monroe was an icon a legend, beautiful x1000 and had everything or so we thought. her admitting her want to be wonderful is like exactly how i feel. 

so heres a secret. 

1. i'm a famewhore. kind of like an attentionwhore, but worse. i crave attention from people i don't even know, people who i want to know me as someone who's way higher than themselves. it makes me feel special. thought highly of. and admitting this makes me feel way pathetic and loserish and blah. like i honestly think i would do almost anyth

ing to get my fame or whatever and its scary. i wish i could be happy with the life i have. 

that quote is SUPERRRR true. everyone not only the rich&famous can relate to that. because it's so true, people will definitely hate you when you're not around and sometimes people just won't love you and appreciate you until you're gone. its scary but its true. 

i think a lot of people feel how she felt when she said that quote because like its human nature to want to be that way you know? but its just so frustrating to mess up. 

all i've gotta say is, me too marilyn. me too. 

fate is a cruel and cold hearted whore.

Either she was someone she didn't want to be,

or she was somebody who nobody wanted.

[NineteenMinutesByJodiPicoult]

I fear I will always have to chase the things I want.

I'll always have to wonder whether I'm truly wanted

or whether I've just be settled for.

+ + A Great and Terrible Beauty

i think that graphic is so powerful. how many times have you felt like that? sinking? fading? i think drowning is a beautiful death. not while you are- you're gasping for air, clawing at your dreams your fears your accomplishments, the ones you are leaving and won't ever come back to. but once it's over? you are weightless. part of the water, part of something so much bigger than yourself. 

ohhh kay. so my little rant on death is over, and its a little creep. lol im normal i promisee.

so i just feel alone. less now by just reading your last comment maggie :D

and those quotes. ring so true for me. 

the first one? like thats so true, i always try to be someone, and if by chance, someone likes that person, eventually i can't uphold it anymore, and it ruins everything. and the second one almost makes me cry because its so how im feeling right now.

i crave someone. someone to be myself around, someone to kiss and to hold and to be held by, and to feel like a part of me. i mean my friends are those people for me except for the kissing part lol. but i feel like i won't accept myself until a boy does.

and i hate feeling that way. it makes me feel pathetic and desperate and sad. 

its like that song i want you to want me. i want someone to want me like that. 

and i was talking to liz a lot this weekend about beauty. and i was just like, my family can call me beautiful. my friends can call me beautiful. newspapers can call me beautiful (they have). 

but i feel like i won't believe it until a guy who i really care about tells it to me. 

i hate feeling like that. it keeps me so closed up in that respect and i just want to be free, weightless, like that girl in the picture. she isn't feeling any of this stress.

and i kind of wanted to play t or d again, just to get 'with' someone. and that makes me feel like a whore. but i just want that so badly and i want the acceptance.

so i dont know how to stop feeling like this, and i just don't know. i don't know anymore.