the stars lean down to kiss you as i lie awake and miss you..

When violet eyes get brighter,

And heavy wings grow lighter,

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.

And I'll forget the world that I knew,

But I swear I won't forget you,

Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,

I'd whisper in your ear,

Oh darling I wish you were here.

the song 'vanilla twilight' by owl city, describes my life right now.

i seriously could put every single lyric in here.

i miss him. i miss the way things were :/ but i guess it has to be this way ?

but i really haven't been thinking about it, i've been trying to avoid that as much as i can.

i have too much else to think about and to focus on.

ironically, it's the exact same way summer started.

i was thinking about him.. and i knew he wasn't about me.

and it's the same way now.

and it's not fun. that's for sure. it's the loneliest feeling you know?

i feel like i'm wasting my time but there's no other way i'd want to waste it.

its like that saying, never regret something that once made you smile.

and i don't, really. i actually dont regret anything i've done this summerr and thats seriously amazing =]

soo yeah i just have to think about other things you know? i have so much going for me at this point (ha it doesnt feel like it at times though :p) so i havee to focus on other stuff.

it's not worth obsessing about something that isn't going to happen at least not anytime soonn.

meh.

thatss my life at the momentt. haha.

my little rants :p

i can't dwell on the pastt. i'm moving forwards. =]

love and memories.

i love those pictures. =]

well i was looking over my list last night. my list of the things i wanted to accomplish this summer. and since we have aboutt a month and a week left (i know, i know. it sucks.) i figured it would be a good timee to maybe do some evaluating? =]

heres the list, my comments in italics :

~ spend as much time possible with you and shannon. (this has actually happened :DD )

~ spend time with tons of my friends, for that matter. baxter, and lindsay, and alex, and everyone. (i havent seen hardly anyone else :/ but im making plans to right now! )

~ have no regrets. (actually right now i have none. surprisingly so.)

~ do something i never would expect myself to do, or that no one would expect me to do. (i absolutely did this.)

~ have an amazing time, with a certain boy. you know who. ( haha =]] )

~ feel better about myself. (yeah. actually yeah this has been taking place, not too much but its there and its a start i guess)

~ get a tan !! :] (YAY yes i have a tan noww ! its uneven with some burn but w/e :p)

~ i think you and me and shan should take a day trip, or two day trip somewhere. just like a little getaway, anywhere. beach maybe? i don't care. that would just bee so fun. (day trip to the beach. without shan :[ next time thoughh! )

~ borders days. (we still need to have one!!!!! ive had my own and they were great fun :p)

~ exercise more for a better preseason. (this makes me sad. i might not even be able to do preseason. )

~ make new friends. (for sure. field hockey camppp hello! )

~ don't lose touch with people like i usually do. (ive been better.. talking to you, hayley, sarah and shan almost every dayy.)

~ never lose hope. in myself, and in the things around mee. (haha this ones been hard.)

~ try breathing once in a while instead of stressing out. (see above comment.. hahah)

so really.. i didn't do so badd! and i still have time to work on some of the other ones.

this is actually the first summer i've made goals and actually achieved some.

i feel really happy.

i feel like this summer i've done things. i've been places. i've learned and i've lived and while i haven't loved every minute (at times) it's been amazing, and completely necessary for me, and the person that i am and want to be.

i've been loading tons of pictures lately, and i stumbled on some from last summer.

actually a lack of pictures. i seriously .. didn't have a life.

i had friends. really good friends. best friends. but not like the amazingg relationships i have with them noww =]

i had noo guy stuff (which isnt always bad, i've learned.)

i feel like this summer has been a step in the right direction for me.

i'm becoming someone who i might like !

andd i can only hope that in the last days of summer i'll be able to fill them with more memories like the awesome ones i've had so far.

i don't even need what's to come to know that

this has been the best summer of my life.

it wasn't THE summer. that's still to come i believe :p

but it was different. new. and really nice.

i justt am in a good mood i guess.. not everything this summer has been perfect THAT'S for sure. but in all its turned out pretty darnn well.

love always&forever. anj

if i could be so bold, i'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

"I knew that there were no guarantees. No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anybody. Some things don't work out, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there."

-- This Lullaby, Sarah Dessen

i felt the need to write this after my post yesterday :p

which was like RAPE.

hahahah.

but after our lovely walk and talk in coldstone today which was amazing and so necessary,

i feel so much betterrr.

i didnt even really feel that way you know like it was just kind of a meh feeling for an hour

but now

as you know

i am very good =]]

except for the fact that he like, wont talk to me, and its upsetting

it shouldn't be that way though like i shouldn't feel too bad about this. i just get so like LRNAEWJRNEJLKNREK :p

anyways.

just thought id throw all this out there =]

loveyouuuu !!

well, everyone i know has got a reason to say push the past away.

i don't know how all of this makes me feel.

there are times when what happened felt amazing, and when you replay it so much in your head that you can feel it all over again and you just want to be back there reliving it, because it's not going to happen again.

and then there's that little part of you that was supposed to make you whole

but feels so empty.

its like that feeling where you just feel a little bit let down.

what was i expecting, really?

i'm not exactly sure.

i don't even know if i really knew what i wanted.

this makes it sound horrible

and it wasn't.

at

all.

this is just the aftermath a little bit. the feeling in the back of my mind.

i don't really know what to make of it. so im just typing it all out to get it out because thinking about this is seriously going to rip me apart.

you know how i overthink

and im startingto.

not even. i already am, i mean, duh.

alejrnaejkrne

i need to see you. like tomorrow.

i need to tell you everything in person.

i really miss you.

i loveyou.