skinny.

the olsens. they are so beautiful. but more than that. their skinny. 

its everywhere. hollywood. which wouldnt be so bad if i wasnt totally obsessed with the rich and famous and spent literally every waking moment of my life wanting what they have. 

i've never been the skinny girl. its so hard to have such skinny friends. and im not blaming anyone or trying to put anyone down at all!! 

i honestly like the way i look. most of the time. i like my face and everything. 

but i hate the weight. i hate it. and the worst part is i cant make it go away. i'm not going to become anorexic or bulimic or anything. i honestly could never do that. but i hate feeling like the odd one out for it? and even my friends who think their fat are soooo not. 

probably its one of the biggest things i worry about. and it all goes back to what maggie said about being a perfectionist and everything. i want to be everything and i honestly feel like if i was like 100 pounds my life would be SO much different. 

kisses. anja

here's to the silence that cuts me to the core.

i kind of feel weird lately. 

i talk alot. its no secret, haha. but do you ever talk, and feel like no ones listening? 

or that no one can even hear you? 

that happens alot. 

but im kind of done being silent. because i think people think i talk alot about meaningless stuff. i'm shallow, girly, etc. i dont get that because i have some seriously in-depth conversations with a lot of people. 

so i guess this is my way of talking? really talking? 

kisses. anja 

can we bring yesterday back around?

cause i know, how i feel , about you now. 

im gunna steal an idea from maggie and kind of comment on how i used to be. 

I'M ANJA and I consider myself modern-day royalty. 

^ not really anymore. 

reading over that? actually reading over my whole profile? i was so alive. i was so free. i didnt care what people thought (at least not as much as i do now.) i sounded so shallow in my profile but you guys know, that i was so different. i still laugh. but i cry. a lot. a lot more than i used to. 

dont you wish you didnt have to cry?

its thinking about something thats hard. but once you see the tears fall. drops of water but not really. its you. like spilling out, on the outside and everyone can see it touch it feel it. and you'd think that something so ugly and so horrible wouldn't happen, like ever, but its totally reversed. i wish it didnt have to happen. but then again dont we wish that about so much in life. especially now. 

kisses. anja 

freshman year.
it sucks. i hate it. i dont know what to do, when to do it, how to do it. 

nothings right. and i dont have hope that it'll become right. 

everything is so confusing. and not just where your supposed to be (bio or history?) although that usually is an issue for me, haha. 

nopee. its friend stuff. guy stuff. family stuff. 

thankfully. i still have a lot of my friends. if it werent for them i really dont know where i'd be or what kind of state i would be in (either a psych ward, or somewhere worse.) basically its them that keeps me going anywhere, especially school. its kind of hard to wake up and know that you wont get to see people who you feel like are literally part of you. which sounds weird but its honestly true. 

the guys? i really dont have anything to say about that. i really dont.  

family has actually been ok. not complaining. 

i guess i'm just not used to everything. and i dont really know if i want to get used to it. 

reading over all of the rams blogs has been so funny. but it kind of makes me want to go back. 

eighth grade. i miss it. 

^ edit. actually, seventh grade. the year of the rams. basically, an ah-mazing year. 

xoxo, you know you love me, anja