girls just wanna have fun :D

this has been a great weekend so far!!

last night i went to dave's with shan and rach and just hung out with a bunch of people. 

it was fun. and just refreshing. i just needed to get out of the school environment, you know? 

then i had a sleepoverr with shan and anna. and they were just awesome like i kind of planned on having like a sad-movie-sob-session-eating-cookie-dough kind of night. but there were no tears only lots of laughs. we did eat the dough though :P

and yesterday i was able to talk to him. i talked with him for a little while and then all of a sudden we were alone in the room like everyone had left and i was like hey by the way all of my friends have been questioning you and im really sorry. i didnt tell them to do that. and he was just like its okay its okay. and i was like my friends are freaks. and he laughed. i love his laugh. hahaha. 

so i feel relief. i dont want to think about anything at this point except having a great time with my friends. im still sticking with everything but i won't let it control me like i did in the last week. i think i'm ready to live. :] 

for i am with you always, to the very end of the age.

that's my favorite verse. matthew 28:20. 

so like an hour ago i had a really good conversation with rachel eddy. 

she offered some really good solutions to some of my issues. and they were really involving God too. like she just reassured me that God was going to send me a guy that was perfect for me and that he had a plan. 

earlier in the year, i honestly can say i didnt believe that he had a plan. and i had friends who didn't too- and who still don't. 

but he must. it only took being on the shore in jamaica looking at that perfect blue water and sand, and thinking how could this be created by itself? he made it and he has a plan for it and he does for me too. 

and yesterday was just a bad day. and today i had some moments where i was just thinking this is horrible. my life is over. and i just repeated that verse every time. and you know what? i still like him. i still am trying. but you know if it doesnt work out i will be upset. 

but i have love from God and i always will. i guess it just took someone else saying it, to make me realize it. and its awesome. :D    

how many times can i break till i shatter?

before i start writing. maggie i cant comment on your blog. like i click post comment and nothing happens. this sucks and i tried on all of your posts and reloaded my computer and everything and tried at different times. so idk?? 

but anyway.

aekrbelkjbf this day was going well. nothing spectacular had happened but does it ever ?? 

and shan decides she is going to talk to youknowwho for me. 

so i told her to do it SUBTLY. but i dont think it ended up that way. 

so basically she was like who do you like? and he was like im pretty sure what your getting at.

she was like uh what? and he was like you want to know if i like anja dont you?

and she was like not particularly. i just want to know, she didnt tell me to ask you. 

and he was like she's really nice. but i dont like her like that.

what!?!

like yesterday he likes me today he doesnt? 

i dont know what to do. i am so upset. 

like with the banquet fiasco? when he asked someone else? 

i promised myself that i would never let myself fall that hard EVER again. 

and now everyone is trying to help me but i just don't know who to listen to. 

sam thinks i need to just throw myself into his life. kind of make him love me, persay. 

shan thinks i need to completely ignore him and see if he notices and asks me about it, aka if he cares.

tara thinks that everyone was lying about him liking me so i should just move on. 

the only thing i want to do right now is curl up in a hole and just die. or sleep for a very long time. or listen to sad songs and cry for a while (i'll probably end up doing that.)

like i said in my previous post I HATE HIM FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY.

this shouldn't be happening. i shouldn't be letting myself fall like this and i can feel myself falling but i don't know when i'm going to land. if ever. 

this is horrible. 

but, my god, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles.

so my day actually wasn't that bad. 

until. the window incident.

maggie. you know what im talking about, haha.

he probably thinks im such a freak. like literally i probably was dancing around with my hair in my face and screaming and waving my arms in the air like a total idiot. 

and it doesnt matter that everyone else was because shan said he looked around like he was looking for me, and just looked at me for like a minute and left. 

i hate him for making me worry about this!! i hate that i let myself worry about stupid things!! 

but i mean who i am i kidding i dont hate him i probably never could. 

that totally reminded me of the amazing poem at the end of 10 things i hate about you (fav movie right theree. love you heath <3).>

I hate the way you talk to me, 
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, 
I hate it when you stare. 

I hate your big dumb combat boots 
and the way you read my mind. 
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme. 

I hate the way you’re always right, 
I hate it when you lie. 
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry. 

I hate it when you’re not around, 
and the fact that you didn’t call. 
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, 
not even close…
not even a little bit… 

not even at all.