if i could be so bold, i'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

"I knew that there were no guarantees. No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anybody. Some things don't work out, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there."

-- This Lullaby, Sarah Dessen

i felt the need to write this after my post yesterday :p

which was like RAPE.

hahahah.

but after our lovely walk and talk in coldstone today which was amazing and so necessary,

i feel so much betterrr.

i didnt even really feel that way you know like it was just kind of a meh feeling for an hour

but now

as you know

i am very good =]]

except for the fact that he like, wont talk to me, and its upsetting

it shouldn't be that way though like i shouldn't feel too bad about this. i just get so like LRNAEWJRNEJLKNREK :p

anyways.

just thought id throw all this out there =]

loveyouuuu !!

well, everyone i know has got a reason to say push the past away.

i don't know how all of this makes me feel.

there are times when what happened felt amazing, and when you replay it so much in your head that you can feel it all over again and you just want to be back there reliving it, because it's not going to happen again.

and then there's that little part of you that was supposed to make you whole

but feels so empty.

its like that feeling where you just feel a little bit let down.

what was i expecting, really?

i'm not exactly sure.

i don't even know if i really knew what i wanted.

this makes it sound horrible

and it wasn't.

at

all.

this is just the aftermath a little bit. the feeling in the back of my mind.

i don't really know what to make of it. so im just typing it all out to get it out because thinking about this is seriously going to rip me apart.

you know how i overthink

and im startingto.

not even. i already am, i mean, duh.

alejrnaejkrne

i need to see you. like tomorrow.

i need to tell you everything in person.

i really miss you.

i loveyou.

if you're going, well i wanna go there too.

aelhrbljhwer

wow.

i really and truly didn't expect to have fun at camp.

seriously? 8 hours of field hockey a day. waking up at like 6 30 in the morning. PAIN.

awesome roommates. new friends. great food :p greater memories.

i wish i had taken pictures. but we were always gross and sweaty? :p

and now im going through the campsickness 

because it's happened before, and the worst is when you forget what they look like. 

absolute worst feeling EVERR. or one of the worst. so i keep like replaying stuff in my head so i'll remember. 

what a good start to the summer. 

i can't wait to hang out with you and shan. 

i can't wait to live life. carefree. and happy :] 

and i'm really excited about what's to come, and i don't know what will, but something will and i hope its good!! :D 

alehjrbjelhr

ill write more later

just had to get this out.

 :]

every second counts, cause there's no second tries. so live like you're never living twice.

goals for this summer, summer 2009. 

~ spend as much time possible with you and shannon.

~ spend time with tons of my friends, for that matter. baxter, and lindsay, and alex, and everyone.

~ have no regrets.

~ do something i never would expect myself to do, or that no one would expect me to do.

~ have an amazing time, with a certain boy. you know who. 

~ feel better about myself.

~ get a tan !! :]

~ i think you and me and shan should take a day trip, or two day trip somewhere. just like a little getaway, anywhere. beach maybe? i don't care. that would just bee so fun. 

~ borders days.

~ exercise more for a better preseason. 

~ make new friends. 

~ don't lose touch with people like i usually do. 

~ never lose hope. in myself, and in the things around mee.

~ try breathing once in a while instead of stressing out. 

and.. to have a summer i'll never forget.