i can fly i really can, wave goodbye familiar land...

i love those pictures especially the second one.. she looks so free, you know? so powerful. she knows the secret. she knows who she is, where she's going. 

my post todayy. is about freedom and being in control .

most of the time i honestly feel completely out of control. but not in the way you'd expect. 

britney spears, in her documentarryy that yes i watched :P, said this quote that made me cry and like is exactly how i feel all the time. 

"See, this is where it's wrong. My life isn't out of control. My life has no excitement, there's no passion. I think it's too in-control. If I wasn't under the restraints I'm under, I'd feel so liberated. When I tell them the way I feel, it's like they hear, but they're really not listening."

oh britney.

see, this is how i feel a lot of the time. if i was outta control, i'd be doing crazy things getting into trouble etc. nope. i'm just that girl. blonde hair, blue eyes, all american features, good grades, typical. so typical. 

and i feel like i don't have hardly any freedom and when i get some i just don't even know what to do with it. 

and then, sometimes, your 'freedom' is nothing but an illusion, a painted on image of the way you want your life to be, hoping it will be someday, when you aren't there and you won't be there. 

you're here, now. you don't know how many times i've thought i was free, until the next little thing completely cuts me down and i'm just like where was i? because it wasn't in the sky. 

i feel free to do certain things. but like sometimes i just wish i could say how i really felt. 

how much easier would life be, if we could say what we meant, to the people we needed to? 

like i basically can and do tell you everything maggiee :] and im so glad i can do that because if i couldn't i'd basically be harboring all this stuff that would totally destroy me. 

so this post is kinda all over the place, and i'm not sure it even really relates to freedom in any way. i don't know. i honestly just want to try to live my life without the stress without the world on my shoulders and be really alive and free like i should be. <3 

cinderella.

beautiful, she's beautiful, 

they whisper and admire.

the perfect girl, the perfect smile, 

a heart that's set on fire.

a life under complete control, 

emotions they are numb. 

she finds her worth in someone else

'one day my prince will come'. 

the princess oh she knows

understands what they say.

won't be able to believe it 

till a boy will come her way. 

her days spent with a cliched smile

her nights spent with her tears.

she has no one to listen to 

her hopes. her dreams. her fears.

beautiful. she was beautiful.

they whisper, soft reverance.

her prince couldn't come fast enough

now it's her own expense. 

now all is dark, black and blue

in a cold tomb she lay.

never found, she lost herself

in every single way.

i wanna live forever i wanna learn how to fly.

FAME!

hahaha. cheesy song, but i love the 80's ness and lyrics. haha.

so i love that picture and quote. marilyn monroe is one of my icons. and its kind of surprising, because i didn't know that quote was hers. i would never have though it was. her quotes are almost always fabulously confident and flirtyy. this one she said a little bit before she died, i think.

it's so weird to think about becausee omg. marilyn monroe was an icon a legend, beautiful x1000 and had everything or so we thought. her admitting her want to be wonderful is like exactly how i feel. 

so heres a secret. 

1. i'm a famewhore. kind of like an attentionwhore, but worse. i crave attention from people i don't even know, people who i want to know me as someone who's way higher than themselves. it makes me feel special. thought highly of. and admitting this makes me feel way pathetic and loserish and blah. like i honestly think i would do almost anyth

ing to get my fame or whatever and its scary. i wish i could be happy with the life i have. 

that quote is SUPERRRR true. everyone not only the rich&famous can relate to that. because it's so true, people will definitely hate you when you're not around and sometimes people just won't love you and appreciate you until you're gone. its scary but its true. 

i think a lot of people feel how she felt when she said that quote because like its human nature to want to be that way you know? but its just so frustrating to mess up. 

all i've gotta say is, me too marilyn. me too. 

fate is a cruel and cold hearted whore.

Either she was someone she didn't want to be,

or she was somebody who nobody wanted.

[NineteenMinutesByJodiPicoult]

I fear I will always have to chase the things I want.

I'll always have to wonder whether I'm truly wanted

or whether I've just be settled for.

+ + A Great and Terrible Beauty

i think that graphic is so powerful. how many times have you felt like that? sinking? fading? i think drowning is a beautiful death. not while you are- you're gasping for air, clawing at your dreams your fears your accomplishments, the ones you are leaving and won't ever come back to. but once it's over? you are weightless. part of the water, part of something so much bigger than yourself. 

ohhh kay. so my little rant on death is over, and its a little creep. lol im normal i promisee.

so i just feel alone. less now by just reading your last comment maggie :D

and those quotes. ring so true for me. 

the first one? like thats so true, i always try to be someone, and if by chance, someone likes that person, eventually i can't uphold it anymore, and it ruins everything. and the second one almost makes me cry because its so how im feeling right now.

i crave someone. someone to be myself around, someone to kiss and to hold and to be held by, and to feel like a part of me. i mean my friends are those people for me except for the kissing part lol. but i feel like i won't accept myself until a boy does.

and i hate feeling that way. it makes me feel pathetic and desperate and sad. 

its like that song i want you to want me. i want someone to want me like that. 

and i was talking to liz a lot this weekend about beauty. and i was just like, my family can call me beautiful. my friends can call me beautiful. newspapers can call me beautiful (they have). 

but i feel like i won't believe it until a guy who i really care about tells it to me. 

i hate feeling like that. it keeps me so closed up in that respect and i just want to be free, weightless, like that girl in the picture. she isn't feeling any of this stress.

and i kind of wanted to play t or d again, just to get 'with' someone. and that makes me feel like a whore. but i just want that so badly and i want the acceptance.

so i dont know how to stop feeling like this, and i just don't know. i don't know anymore. 

onehundred.

mine were.

this is my one hundreth post on this blog, the one i started for that reason. 

ohh my gosh. it's been a ride. a long journey. half these posts are from two years ago. 

the old me. the girl i used to love. the girl i still might. the one that i miss when everything has crashed down, the one i want to be whenever the new me fails myself and everyone else.

you know, sometimes i cry for the old me. the mistakes that i made. the glaring spaces of my life that i failed to fill. the missed opportunities, and the ones taken that i forget. i cry especially for the things i forget. because i will never remember 

them. i can't get them back. 

and some memories? what i wouldn't give to get them back. spruce lake. three days of unbelievable joy. friendship in its purest form, unblemished by stupid boys and stupider hookups, jealousy, anger.  

and then, eighth grade. kind of a blur, not a bad year. 

and here we are. freshman year. 

it's been more than a disaster at times. 

there have been times this year where i thought there was nothing left. i had nothing left, i was running on empty and this was it. it's over. 

i just had to realize that you know what? IT'S NOT OVER. it's only just beginning. 

looking back on the way i spent the first half of the year i could sob for hours. i had no strength.

i didn't know who to turn to. i literally broke my own heart over and over again, cried myself to sleep wondering why i wasn't good enough. why i'd never be good enough. i gave a few people power over me that should only be reserved for God, because some of these people hurt me over and over and over again, but i STILL respected them. i was respecting, liking, trying to get closer to people who were ripping my heart apart, building it up and tearing it down. 

 somehow, in like, two weeks, i changed. i tried to put back together the pieces that were my life. my friends they just stepped right in like the perfect angels that they are and they were with me every step of the way. i tried to hope. i tried to love. and i actually succeeded sometimes. that felt so good, so shockingly different- to not fail. to stand up. in the past couple weeks i've gotten so close to some friends that i couldn't live without. i love you all. 

these song lyrics perfectly represent this year for me. the bold part is september-mid january, the italics, mid january-now: 

drowning in my loneliness, how long must i hold my breath? so much emptiness inside,

i could fill the deepest sea. 

i reach to the sky as the moon looks on, my one last tear has come and gone,

dying to let your love rain down on me. 

and like yesterday i was betrayed by a friend. someone i loved and trusted. and i fell apart. but maggie you were there. you picked me up you told me to keep my head high, and i did. today, we fixed everything. i'm still hurt- it takes time for that to fade, but you know what its not worth fighting, guys aren't worth fighting over and me and the person i was fighting with, both realized that. thank you for being there. :] 

this is my new mantra. i repeated this to myself so many times today. read it, believe it, live it. don't forget it. when you forget so many things, keep some quotes with you. i know i do. especially this one.

i love the graphic to the right, because it's so true. 

just know this. 

love wins.

it always does. love is patient, love is kind..

this year has shown me absence of love, and true love. true love is the love i have with some of my friends, who know who they are. from september up till now? i didn't know it. i didn't feel it. i was so broken. grasping for anything to help me fix myself. 

i'm on my way to being fixed and my friends have given that to me. given me life. friends, blogging, music, and God have brought me through. that's the only way i can still be here today, writing this one hundreth post on my blog, my diary screaming out loud, my life on a screen, the many lows but the victorious highs. this is me. i'm living it. all i can do is try my best. 

don't think you know how far i'm gonna go..

blah its been forever!! i'm finally feeling better for once after being sick for what seems like forever :[ 

basically whenever something went away i got something else, haha. i stopped throwing up, and got a horrible stuffy nose. i stopped having stomach pain, and now i have a scratchy thoat. but whatever it must mean that im at the end of this!! hahhah. one can only hope. 

so originally i was really bummed that i couldnt do anything last night. but i mean i definitely had to stay home and rest i wasn't feeling great at all. and sar told me that kess' house was boring anyway, so i'm glad i didn't miss anything huge.

its just, i hate missing things. parties, events, school. 

i feel like if i don't go, that'll be the one time that something big will happen. and that it'll just be a thousand inside jokes and references that i won't be a part of and it'll slowly drive everyone away from me. i honestly believe that and its so frustrating. because everyone's like shut up thats not true! but i really feel like i have to go to everything because if i don't my friendship/s will be in jeopardy or something! i hate feeling that way. 

i miss my friends so much!! maggie i miss you insanely much. and i miss sarah too. i just miss seeing everyone and laughing like it's no fun watching a movie by yourself and laughing by yourself! i just can't wait to see everyone on monday (knock on wood that i keep feeling better!)

soo yeahh this post doesn't really have a point. it's just a little rambling, haha. 

but i guess in all i just want to be back to normal and have my life back again because i miss it. a lot. <3 

cause these words are my diary screaming out loud.

so heres some more secrets. only two for now. 

1. today in history, when mr. mountz asked us what our definition of beauty was? one day, i hope someone's definition of beauty is me. 

2. i have a lot of heroes. and maggie, you're one of them. you handle situations with a gracefulness that i could only dream of. and even though you might be going crazy and scrambling on the inside, you keep your composure a lot better than you might think. i really appreciate you, for no other reason but for blogging with me, for helping me, for listening. it's so hard these days to find someone who listens. everyone has their own thing going on, they can't make time. you always seem to make time. i don't know how i got through the beginning of the year, not being as close with you as i am now. if i was that way now i would miss you so terribly. you are the kind of friend that almost automatically makes me feel better about myself, in every way. i can laugh and cry around you, i can look gross. but honestly? hanging out with you friday night, in my pajamas, just laughing, was the best. making chocolate milk and editing photos. i've always wanted a friend like that. and now i have one. i always have but now i really do. and i'm so grateful to you for throwing me into your friend group and helping me out with that because the past couple weeks have been amazing. i feel so much better than i have in a really long time. mid january i was coming off of probably the worst two months of my life, like you i felt like i had been replaced in a lot of situations, or that i was never there in the first place. you picked me up when i was down. no one else could've done that but you. and i'm so glad you did. i love you so much and i don't know what i would do without you. i just want you to know that i'll always be here for you to pick you up like you did for me. <3

ad astra per aspera.

so the past couple weeks have definitely been growing weeks. 

that title is shakespeare- translation is, 'to the stars through trials'. and its so true. like a lot has happened and maggie you know that a lot of people have tried to make us fall. they want us to. but you know what? we won. we've done it. we're on our feet and we're staying that way. we've gotten so much stronger, ourselves, and with each other, through all of this!! 

i love that first graphic because i am happy. i love my friends right now their amazing. in the past few weeks i've had so many amazing times with them. i feel like for a long time, i've been on that road. the road to happiness. and from november to the first week in january, i either took a different path or just got totally run over because i was not on that road anymore. i was totally apart from it. but now i'm back on track and moving forward, and i'm so happy about it.

that quote is good too. because i don't really fear death. my biggest fear is looking over my life and hating it. hating everything i've done. basically regretting everything. i've been on my no-regrets journey for a whilee now but it takes time and i think i'm making progress! so live the life that you want to remember as amazing, when you are done living. <3 

ten facts.

1. i can't wait to get to heaven, so i'll finally be flawless.

2. i crave fame. i'm obsessed with taking pictures and having them taken of me (picture with sam and me holding hands.. like 50 tries to get it right. dont make fun. im obsessed.) 

3. i wish i had the strength to be thin. i just don't have the willpower and it shows. 

4. jeff buckley's song hallelujah has saved my life. 

5. without this blog, and a friend to read it, i truly don't know where i'd be. this is my blood and my bottle. this is the healthiest and best way to let out everything you feel. if everyone had a blog, i really believe our world would be so much better.

6. i wish i could self destruct myself enough to go to rehab, just to experience it- but more to see who would visit me. not once, but consistently. wanting to help. 

7. i feel like my life is a photo album of moments and regrets. so many regrets. but lately? not so much. the past few weeks have been some of the best of my life.

8. i feel relief whenever i hear someone being talked about, because at least i know it isn't me. 

9. i wish i stunned people. in some way. i feel like to make up for my lack of being skinny, i need extraordinary beauty- and i don't have it. 

10. to me, crying is beautiful. i have some friends who look absolutely breathtaking when they cry. its raw emotion that is so rare these days. if people just learned to cry instead of having little explosions of anger, we'd be so much better off. 

<3