Either she was someone she didn't want to be,
or she was somebody who nobody wanted.
[NineteenMinutesByJodiPicoult]
I fear I will always have to chase the things I want.
I'll always have to wonder whether I'm truly wanted
or whether I've just be settled for.
+ + A Great and Terrible Beauty
i think that graphic is so powerful. how many times have you felt like that? sinking? fading? i think drowning is a beautiful death. not while you are- you're gasping for air, clawing at your dreams your fears your accomplishments, the ones you are leaving and won't ever come back to. but once it's over? you are weightless. part of the water, part of something so much bigger than yourself.
ohhh kay. so my little rant on death is over, and its a little creep. lol im normal i promisee.
so i just feel alone. less now by just reading your last comment maggie :D
and those quotes. ring so true for me.
the first one? like thats so true, i always try to be someone, and if by chance, someone likes that person, eventually i can't uphold it anymore, and it ruins everything. and the second one almost makes me cry because its so how im feeling right now.
i crave someone. someone to be myself around, someone to kiss and to hold and to be held by, and to feel like a part of me. i mean my friends are those people for me except for the kissing part lol. but i feel like i won't accept myself until a boy does.
and i hate feeling that way. it makes me feel pathetic and desperate and sad.
its like that song i want you to want me. i want someone to want me like that.
and i was talking to liz a lot this weekend about beauty. and i was just like, my family can call me beautiful. my friends can call me beautiful. newspapers can call me beautiful (they have).
but i feel like i won't believe it until a guy who i really care about tells it to me.
i hate feeling like that. it keeps me so closed up in that respect and i just want to be free, weightless, like that girl in the picture. she isn't feeling any of this stress.
and i kind of wanted to play t or d again, just to get 'with' someone. and that makes me feel like a whore. but i just want that so badly and i want the acceptance.
so i dont know how to stop feeling like this, and i just don't know. i don't know anymore.
2 comments:
i love the title of this btw.
So, that graphic is very powerful, and drowning oh jeez, i think that would be such a creepy death, for me anyway, because i've always loved water, especially the ocean, and it would be like being killed by someone you love...haha.
yeah i understand what you mean by those quotes, i think people, epecially girls feel that way so much, so we try to change and be people we're not, but really people like you so much better when your, yourself. And the boys thing, I know how you feel, i used to feel like that too, its like i would put my self worth in what mostly boys, but also just what everyone thought about me. And you can't do that anj, you just can't. You gotta place your self worth in what God thinks of you and he thinks your the most beautiful, amazing, kind, etc. etc. person in the world. Hey and guess what else? Boys love a girl with confidence :p so theres a bonus. Also, wanting to hook up with someone doesnt make you a whore. it makes u normal, it's fun and it makes u feel close with someone and valued, so it's okay to feel tht way. But remember confidence doesn't come from boys or other people, theyre always gonna let you down and sometimes even try to bring you down, it comes from God and from believing in yourself. :]
reading all your blogs made m realize how great it is to be alive... breaking up with 7 years relationship was really painful and i have to cry everyday i wakeup... I wish i can be like you so carefree... God bless you and hope you will right more..
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