onehundred.

mine were.

this is my one hundreth post on this blog, the one i started for that reason. 

ohh my gosh. it's been a ride. a long journey. half these posts are from two years ago. 

the old me. the girl i used to love. the girl i still might. the one that i miss when everything has crashed down, the one i want to be whenever the new me fails myself and everyone else.

you know, sometimes i cry for the old me. the mistakes that i made. the glaring spaces of my life that i failed to fill. the missed opportunities, and the ones taken that i forget. i cry especially for the things i forget. because i will never remember 

them. i can't get them back. 

and some memories? what i wouldn't give to get them back. spruce lake. three days of unbelievable joy. friendship in its purest form, unblemished by stupid boys and stupider hookups, jealousy, anger.  

and then, eighth grade. kind of a blur, not a bad year. 

and here we are. freshman year. 

it's been more than a disaster at times. 

there have been times this year where i thought there was nothing left. i had nothing left, i was running on empty and this was it. it's over. 

i just had to realize that you know what? IT'S NOT OVER. it's only just beginning. 

looking back on the way i spent the first half of the year i could sob for hours. i had no strength.

i didn't know who to turn to. i literally broke my own heart over and over again, cried myself to sleep wondering why i wasn't good enough. why i'd never be good enough. i gave a few people power over me that should only be reserved for God, because some of these people hurt me over and over and over again, but i STILL respected them. i was respecting, liking, trying to get closer to people who were ripping my heart apart, building it up and tearing it down. 

 somehow, in like, two weeks, i changed. i tried to put back together the pieces that were my life. my friends they just stepped right in like the perfect angels that they are and they were with me every step of the way. i tried to hope. i tried to love. and i actually succeeded sometimes. that felt so good, so shockingly different- to not fail. to stand up. in the past couple weeks i've gotten so close to some friends that i couldn't live without. i love you all. 

these song lyrics perfectly represent this year for me. the bold part is september-mid january, the italics, mid january-now: 

drowning in my loneliness, how long must i hold my breath? so much emptiness inside,

i could fill the deepest sea. 

i reach to the sky as the moon looks on, my one last tear has come and gone,

dying to let your love rain down on me. 

and like yesterday i was betrayed by a friend. someone i loved and trusted. and i fell apart. but maggie you were there. you picked me up you told me to keep my head high, and i did. today, we fixed everything. i'm still hurt- it takes time for that to fade, but you know what its not worth fighting, guys aren't worth fighting over and me and the person i was fighting with, both realized that. thank you for being there. :] 

this is my new mantra. i repeated this to myself so many times today. read it, believe it, live it. don't forget it. when you forget so many things, keep some quotes with you. i know i do. especially this one.

i love the graphic to the right, because it's so true. 

just know this. 

love wins.

it always does. love is patient, love is kind..

this year has shown me absence of love, and true love. true love is the love i have with some of my friends, who know who they are. from september up till now? i didn't know it. i didn't feel it. i was so broken. grasping for anything to help me fix myself. 

i'm on my way to being fixed and my friends have given that to me. given me life. friends, blogging, music, and God have brought me through. that's the only way i can still be here today, writing this one hundreth post on my blog, my diary screaming out loud, my life on a screen, the many lows but the victorious highs. this is me. i'm living it. all i can do is try my best.