well now it's etched in stone, i can't survive alone, you have the missing piece.

that picture reminds me of us. or of me and shan. not like it actually resembles us physically but like the whole best friend hugging thing. yeahh :] 

so basically thursday night was amazingg. hanging out with you and shan is like amazingly amazing. hottub chats oh babbyy! :p haha i had so much fun with you guys plus i basically can tell you both anything, and i do, so it was great to like get stuff off my chest and whatnott. 

and hanging out last night was great too.. especially for you :p

i am el glad things seem to be working out, im sure they will continue to work outt!

and we are most definitely hanging out asap! :D

i feel happy. like for once, i'm not feeling like oh i need a boyfriend right now!! 

which is good, i mean tomorrow i'll probably want one, but i will savor this feeling while it lasts :p

i think that's what i have to do, and what we always have to do, is just stay in those moments, keep them alive, draw them out because honestly you never know when something is going to change everything, you know? 

and uhmm. im waiting for you. get online. :D love you. 

sorry, you don't define me.

i find that photo like, amazing. haha if i was a celebrity i would completely do that. wear fur, and flip off all the PETA people. 

i've been having issues lately like finding who i am. 

because i don't really know? and when everyone tells me i've changed or whatever i'm just like but i dont know how i was!! haha.

so if you've read this blog, or know me at all, which maggie you do obviouslyy, 

i'm obsessed with fame. :p

not only that but like finding myself in other people like i obsess about people and then i can't even remember who i am, i fade away into images of the other person, and it's really weird. 

lately i've been trying to be my own person, say what i mean and mean what i say.

and not gossip of course. haha. and i love that quote, because yeah i get really jealous, not only of the famouss but like of you. and sar. and shan. haha and i just gotta be confident in me you know? i must tryyy.

and i'm going to definitely try harder now, and try to kind of pave my way but i want you to be helping me out of course! you always do! haha. 

so basically i kinda want to adopt the mindset of that girl in the photo. she's beautiful and she knows it, she does what she wants, she doesn't care what they say. she stands up for what she likes and believes in. i've always wanted that kind of strength.

so noww its my turn to have it. :D 

L-O-V-E's just another word i never learned to pronounce.

;qelkjra;lekjr;klejr;lkaejlkr;e

blah.

here's how i feel right now. BLEHHHHH! 

hahahah remember thatt? <3

but seriously this is how i feel right now :

~ angry that the dc boys are :

~annoying

~disinterested

~unattractive

~confused. just confused. haha

~ i want to like someone but i dont really... so basically that quote and picture are wishful thinking.

i just feel weird. 

and i also feel like our group is falling apart. and its really upsetting.

matt might not be coming to dc next year. dave is being weird. sarah's always busy. 

i can't imagine next year without you guys. i really can't. i don't want to think about it. 

plus like that quote said,  i dont even have to like anyone to still be worried all the time about what the guys think about me. it's so annoying. and frustrating, and stupid. 

what do they think? what do you think ? 

tell me tell me something i don't know.

i stole your survey :P

you must answer!!

and i changed some of them. just to be original :P

love youu.

1. Who's the weirdest person you've ever liked? (even it was only for a day or something like tht)

2. What's your least favorite color?

3. What frustrates/annoys you the most about me?

4. What song, do you feel like, describes your life.

5. If you could tell the person you liked what you truly felt about them...what would you say?

6. If you could have any boy in the grade who would it be? why?

7. If you had to be any girl in our grade (besides youself) who would you be? why?

8. What is your favorite thing in the world to do?

9. Name one thing that you truly love about yourself.

10. What do you think is your best color, the one that you look best in?

11. What do you truly hate? 

12. Would you describe yourself as honest?

13. Whats a guilty pleasure of yours?

14. Whats the first thing you look at when you meet a new person?

15. What was your first impression of me?

16. Do you think my parents like you?

17. If you could have one thing that I do, what would it be. clothes, personality traits, and looks count. haha

18. What food, if any, do you crave like crazy right now?

19. what do you think my next step in life should be? 

20. Whats the thing that you believe strongest in?

everyone's a letdown, it just depends on how far down they can go..

By the time you swear you're his, 

Shivering and sighing, 

And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying — 

Lady make note of this: One of you is lying.

last night failed. like i don’t even know what to do, haha.

it was fun i guess. the most fun time was hanging out in the basement with you and tyler, maggie. like being out at the bonefire was kinda miserable. i felt really ignored and like its not like i have to be the center of attention at all! i just felt like everyone was having tons of fun and i was just like help. and, i got nowhere with any guys. i dont know what happened really. they didn’t talk to me, like, at all. and i was totally ignored by them. i’m really confused. and bummed out and i ALWAYS get my hopes up and i fall and i’m so so so sick of it. 

i really didn't want to get my hopes up buttttt of course i did, haha. and i can't talk to shannon about this, because i don't want her to get upset that i didn't have fun or anything, it was her night, and i think she had fun, and i want her to be happy. i don't want to be the fun sucker. hahaha. 

and i love that little poem thing :D i just finished reckless :D

and its so true likee. idk. guys. they just don't respond to me like i do to them.

i dont know what to do. 

remember those walls i built? well baby their tumbling down.

so uhm 

MOST ADORABLE PICTURE EVER :D

just had to put that out there, haha.

it makes me smile, and think of happier days, and spring. and spring is comingg.

so basically a constant in my life, is feeling too in control. i don't take any risks or have any excitement in my life.

i've been trying to live more on the edge so to speak, just trying to make the most out of what i have and the days that i live. no regrets.

and i love that quote, because, i let people get in my way so much. 

i worry about what other people think, what i should do to please other people, etc. 

instead of doing what i love and what i want and what makes me happy. 

and lately i have been- being with the group truly makes me happy. 

i'm just trying to seize the day so to speak and live and be freer, and be me. the real me.

the year's almost over, and i still feel like some people don't know me, that i could be better friends with some people, that i should fix things with others. i gotta do that.

the sun is shining and its my timee.

so i'm gunna live it up :D

starting.. friday! i am so psyched for the party and i can't wait to mingle and be fun and have a great time with all of my friends. it's going to be amazing. <3

you're beautiful, every little piece love.

Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend. 

it's been a tough week. 

a long, tough week. that has drrraaagggeeedd by. i'm so glad it's over.

but it's weeks like these, days like wednesday, that remind me who my real friends aree.

days this year, like last wednesday, and the monday after the shan-pete thing, and everything, are what have like threatened to seriously kill me but one persons gotten me through along with otherss.

maggiee :DD

so i'm dedicating this post to you!! because you're amazing! 

i'll say it a million times but i don't know how i survived not being this close with you. 

that graphic is uhm amazingly beautiful and when i saw it i instantly thought MAGGIE.

its kinda hard to read. but its completely true and absolutely how i feel all the time. it's about the little things, and i've been thinking about those little things a lot lately, trying to overcome the bad, and it's really helpful to do. 

                              

we got too much time to kill

                                                    like pigeons on my windowsill                                                   

we hang around

ever since I've been with you

you hold me up

all the time I'm falling down

so basically

I LOVE YOU 

:D

it seems i'm too hip to keep tight lipped, and you're on the gossip team.

If you spent your life concentrating on what everyone else thought of you, would you forget who you really were?

~nineteen minutes.

today. was. ridiculous.

i like don't even know how to express what i feel right now.

first off, confused. confused because i dont know what people are saying about me.

if they are saying what she said they are, then i'm hurt on top of that. 

aggravated to the majorr because i just don't need this right now. 

and scared.

have i changed? like i was honestly so stunned when she told me that.

that i'm "too into myself now, trying too hard to be popular, not sweet and funny like i used to be". 

i couldn't even say anything to that. i can't. i basically just like sat down and cried.

for once i'm decently happy, and now this? like is this for real? 

and then i asked some people for advice, blah blahh, and she thought i was mad at her, blahh blahh, and we worked things out. everything's fine now but. i still am like really freaked.

i don't know what to do! apparently i talk too much about my plans with people in front of people who aren't invited, which i actually have been trying to work on but i just gotta do better. i can fix that.

but like? i don't think i've changed. i'm not trying too hard. i'm hardly trying at all.

i have made so many new friends this year and gotten so much closer to old friends, and i haven't lost any friends. not one. yeah me and friends have had fights but WHO. DOESN'T.

these fights actually usually end up making our friendship STRONGER!

my worst. worst. fear is people talking about me badly, being the one that people look at in the hallway and think to themselves bad things about me and like laugh at me. 

honestly the first 3 periods of school today i was so freaking paranoid and everytime someone laughed i was like omg. and it was so nightmareee-ish.

i just don't know what to do. 

i'm not angry i'm just saying sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

it didn't occur to her, when she leaped,

she was just as likely to fall. 

i can't do this anymore.

liking boys. it just messes me up. what what messes me up even worse, is not being sure.

i don't know for sure how i feel about him. but i know for sure, that he doesn't feel the same, and that he won't. like we hardly even know each other i feel like. i feel like i get closer to him at these gettogethers or whatever, but he doesn't to me. i dont know.

and that quote, just makes me think and like backs up the fact that i can't. i can't leap on this because seriously it's not worth it and it's not going to end well, and i can't be so naive. 

and i sound really depressed, haha. i'm really not. 

i guess for once, i kind of hoped something was going to work out. sue me for hoping.

it's just this big waiting game. something comes... and goes. quickly, or they take longer, but they all do.

it's so hard. i just don't know how to feel and my mind is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me something, but softly, like i have no clue for sure what it's saying. 

help :[

i know its hard to believe but i've never been more alive.

 "I knew that there were no guarantees. No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anybody. Some things don't work out, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there."

~ this lullaby, sarah dessen. 

last night was great.

and it wasn't great because like it was amazing with me and a guy or anything. for once, it wasn't a guy. 

it was just everything, you know? being with friends. amazing amazing friends.

just living in the moment, with you mag, laying on your trampoline with everyone in a tangled up group of legs and god, i don't think i've ever laughed as hard as i did last night. 

and at one point, when everyone was all silent, it wasn't really awkward. and i just like looked up and it was beautiful. the sky. and there were stars, but not a ton, just a few just like sprinkled across the sky. 

and the stars were you guys. all of you, there, and here. 

and i like had a moment where i realized how much my life had changed, and how much i currently love it. how much i love being with you, with everyone. 

how alive i feel. 

if youuu remember i had some issues with that in the first half of the year, haha. i was dead but breathing so to speak.

but like now i can laugh. and be crazy and weird and stupid. and yeah i have my insecure moments i had some last night but its okay because in the end it all works out, right?

i really hope so because i don't want to lose this. at this point, it's right. i just gotta keep it that way. 

kissesss. anj

don't know why i'm still afraid, if you weren't real i would make you up.

mag. 

tomorrow night is like falling apartt! haha 

shan is coming late which is fine but sar has to come. like has to. 

i'm excited. i want something to happen. something good. 

know what i mean? mhmmmm :P

so the title. 

i absolutely completely adore that song. 

"i wish i could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives."

isn't that everyone's wish? just to be with that person that's right for you, without all the other people that don't mean anything? 

and i like the line in the title so much because its so true. 

all the time i make up guys. like i put all the perfect qualities together, and basically just die knowing that he doesn't exist. 

i want to meet someone, or know someone, who's like that.

someone who just wants to be. be himself. be alive. be with me.

someone who might not be completely perfect- i can't have that.

but someone who makes me smile and makes me laugh and who i can be myself around, not crazy self concious. someone who shares what i do, everything, dreams and goals. 

someone who's willing to change, and willing to stand for something. to stand for me.

likeeee at this point that guy hasn't appearedd. hahaha but you never know there could be someone like that pretty close to me i just gotta figure it out. 

i hope i do. because im tired of feeling not good enough. 

kissess. anj

and it rains when you're here, and it rains when you're gone.

"Watching them, I thought again oh how we can't expect everybody to be there for us, all at once. So it's a lucky thing that really, all you need is someone."

- Lock and Key, Sarah Dessen

so. matt.

hahaha.

the truth is? i'm not sure if i like him. 

like, i don't want to like someone right now. and i hate myself for this. 

but like, i can't help it. and it also, like i don't know if i like him .

because when i see him im not like oh my godd!! or like my heart drops to the floor, like shan's when she sees peter. 

but i always care so much about what he thinks about me. and i always find myself like wanting to be around him. 

i think we just need to like hang out more because i honestly don't know him that well and he doesn't know me, you know? 

well i kinda know him from what you tell me maggie hahahaha :P

asdjkbfeljrnjbe 

i hate feeling this way. i am so freaking indecisive. haha

so this is short but it definitely is how im feeling. commentss? thoughts? concerns? haha.