well maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love, was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.

so that title

is from my ultimate amazing lifesaving song 

hallelujah :D

it kinda describes my mood, but not as shockingly so as my titles usually do, i just have been listening to this song alot lately.

i've always equated that song to death. 

yeah, i know. 

and with my grandfather in the hospital, ive been all scared and everything. 

on the way there tonight, i honestly was convinced he was dying. 

my dad called me and was like get outside in 5 minutes we gotta go to the hospital right now. 

so on the way i listened to two songs overandover.

hallelujah, and last goodbye. 

once again,

yeah, i know. 

turns out, he looks so much better. and all he can talk about is how he doesn't wanna miss my confirmation.

i feel so terrible. i want him to be there so badly, but i want him to get better even more badly.

i am so excited that you will be there.

basically all my best friends will be there. 

and it's going to be really special. i can just tell. 

i probably will cry. a little because of nervousness. a little because of sadness my pop isnt there.

mostly because i am so overwhelmingly amazed that i have you. 

don't ever forget that. 

and that's what kind of makes my title different to me, is because its so opposite of how i feel in ways right now, like you guys really are love. you shannon sarah. tara and rachel. lindsay if she could be there. 

this week has been strange. some days really hot some rainy? okk :p

but not just that obviouslyy. 

i feel like sometimes this week i've just been walking around in a blur like whats going on. 

and then i've had some really great moments too. 

eh whatever. haha

and im just excited to start the weekend. concert tomorrow, sage (godsister :p) coming saturday, amazing sunday. 

yayy :] 

love always and forever. anj

and now all my heart i will lay down precisely at your feet.

so this weekend was 

amazing :]

except for the failure party friday night, at which i :

-failed, miserably, over and over.

-left my backpack so i could do no homework.

-left your straightener.

-felt awkward.

-was annoyed by almost everyone. 

-couldn't wait to leave, at times.

but there were some bright parts :P 

-heart to heart with chris? actually was kinda cool.

-watching ty and anna. so cute. haha

-knowing there was a sleepoverrr after :D

sleepover was greatt. being with you is greatt.

work was decent. boring. workish. 

and the beach was just amazing. 

i love being with tar. and her beach house is stunning, and the weather was amazing, and we tanned (and burned :p) and like got closer than we were before, which was pretty close, so it was cool. all in all, that was soo fun. 

and now. school tomorrow :[ 

actually it wont be that bad. dont worry about it my love, we'll be there for each other and it'll be okay, and next weekend is gunna be amazing, GAGA (!!) on friday and my friend sagee saturday and confirmation sunday which should be a fun party and im really glad your going to be there. thats like really important to me. 

so basically

I LOVE YOU :D

and we're gunna get through this week. 

it's your life, whacha gonna do? the world is watching you.

it was such a beautiful day today ! 

my prayers were answered. no rain, no field hockey. 

and it was amazing haha once i get on the bus i go to the transfer station or whatever where i get on a different bus. but that one never showed up? haha. 

so basically i ran away from the station, walked for a little while till there was a school that i knew my mom would be able to get to, called her, and threw myself down on the grass and listened to my ipod, and i was singing along really loud and laying in the sun and it was great.

it was just one of those really peaceful moments where you can breathe, and you see the cars going by and stuff and you're like just let go. like that graphic says. 

i sometimes can be really controlling. and i like, micromanage my life. 

i plan every little detail, every little word i'm going to say, to make sure things go perfectly.

but i've come to realize this year that the most perfect moments are unplanned.

they happen quickly, quietly, you have to slow down and listen to them whispering to you, and realize that something has just happened that you're never going to forget.

those are the moments that we live for, you know? the ones where when you have the time to just lay in the sun you thread them together, and see how they've changed you. brought people into your life. taken them out. opened a door. closed one. 

it's really magical. and i'm really lucky to have those memories. :] 

and i'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete.

it needs to stop raining. 

seriously, i'm sick of my hair frizzing, and my umbrella freaking out and not helping me at all, and wet papers and slippery steps. 

i'm even sicker of the depressed feeling i get looking out the window. its like the sky is crying. or God's crying. which coupled with the fact that im in school and not at home, bundled up with a book, makes me want to SOB !! 

and that bob dylan quote, is so amazing, i'm probably going to use it again sometime, because it's so true. 

even when it's sunny outside there's something behind that. 

it's not always perfect. 

everyone has been strange. except for you and shan, haha.

matt is being really weird. 

sarah's drifting, and i miss her.

i NEED them. not so much matt but sarah? sarah's like, my arm. i need her so bad.

and do you ever get the feeling that something big is going to happen soon? something that you won't see coming, but will have the power to completely knock you off your feet? 

i always remember, "it's the things you don't see coming that are strong enough to kill you," and i kind of am getting this vibe right now, and my vibes don't lie. 

am i the only one feeling it? 

maybe it's just pentup energy from being inside all week during the rain. 

maybe it's just.. 

idk. 

it was we who were the cliche, but we carried on anyway.

gah its been forever since ive postedd. i've been too lazy and uninspired :p

so basically

i don't know what i want. 

that first graphic is about. matt. ugh. ugh. ugh. not only him i guess but just other people in my life right now.

i feel really distant right now from some people. like matt assures people that he's fine with me but then like we never really talk, it always feels weird, i always feel eh, idk. 

and sarah. i miss her. like the graphic i posted before (one graphic post? :p) i'm (WE'RE) losing her, and i really would give my soul to have her back. you know that. i'd do the same for you and shannon, god forbid one of you left. 

and next time we have a hangout with you and gar and shan. idk. it feels really awk when holly's there. i love her, she's so nice, but she and gar and shan are like the three musketeers, and you and gar are you knoww :p, and im completely on the outside. its really uncomfortable feeling. 

and the second graphic is basically

story of my life? :p

i never feel wanted or needed or whatever. that song is so me, 

" i want you to want me, i need you to need me, i'd love you to love me, i'm begging you to beg me" 

I HATE feeling like that because it makes me so like 

dependent

vulnerable

desperate

insecure

failure.

so i'm ranting. 

the mind of a crazy person. 

named.

anja katherine. 

haha :p 

who loves you :] 

i don't shine if you don't shine.

yayyy. 

last night. was so fun. 

it was fun watching slumdog even tho i fell asleep, haha. 

and it was super super super fun hearing about you and gar. 

and of course being with you and shan bc like your my sisters? haha. 

im really happy for you. i know that you don't really know how you feel about him, but like, this is good. if you're happy, i'm happy, always. don't forgett that. 

springbreak. yes. i am so happy, so excited. i can't wait to have fun and be with friends like as much as possible, even tho i am going to miss shan like crazyyyyyyy. i wish she didn't have to go. i wish no one ever had to go. it's been so weird figuring out the group now, temporary 'replacements' and like what's happened to who we've lost but i think last night proved that it's going to be okay, you know? we're all best friends. we love each other. you can't seperate that, you know? things will change and shift and it's okay. it's all part of the plan. we can't worry about it. 

as long as i'm with you, it's all going to be okay. i love you, and shan, and everyone. so much. <3