goodbye two thousand and eight.

so much has happened in the past year!
good and bad.
good? getting closer to my best friends. and also getting closer to some people that i was friends with but not as much. having sarah back at dc. having my teachers be mostly good, haha. no major family issues.
bad? guys. hahahha. and just situations sometimes. i cant even think of many but i know for sure they happened. that is why i have my blog, after all.

it sucks to only have one day to truly look back on the year and evaluate it. how can you?
how can you push 364 days into 1?
right now im sitting on a chair in my hotel lobby, listening to the jamaican new year band doing a sound check and setting up everything for the huge festivities tonight.
and im happy to be here. i really am. i miss everyone but i know that i'll see them soon.
and i really want 2009 to be a great, great year.

so heres to the end of 2008, however it was for everyone. and heres to 2009. new starts. new beginnings.

love. anja

jamaicaaa :D

I LOVE JAMAICA!
its so beautiful. and warm. haha
im having a lott of fun. just like tanning reading by the pool listening to music, etc.
and the food is good! and so are the daiquiris hahahhaa.
i miss everyone. especially you maggieee.
i miss you i love you i'll write more later!!
<33

she's so high above me.

ahh. 

im really bummed we couldnt hang out today maggieee :[

but its okay we're definitely gonna do it soonnn!!

SO here's another little self confidence post haha. these are my favorite to write. 

because i feel like im speaking to others as well as myself. especially myself. 

and i am learning to let go of the stress. especially the guy stuff.

they don't deserve me. only the one does and i'm looking for him!! haha. and i'm learning. slowly. but i am. 

so heres a song i heard in a store today and i came home and right away looked it up, downloaded it, and now i'm writing the lyrics !! they're awesome. 

and i bolded the specific best lines. and they are very true for all of my friends! and i guess me, i am realizing. 

high above me, by tal bachman. 

She's blood, flesh and bone
no tucks or silicone
She's touch, smell, sight, taste and sound
but somehow I can't believe
that anything should happen
I know where I belong
and nothing's gonna happen, yeah.

Cause she's so high, high above me, she's so lovely.
She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite
Do, do, do, do do
She's so high, high above me.

A first class and fancy free,
she's high society,
she's got the best of everything.
What could a guy like me ever really offer?
She's perfect as she can be,
why should I even bother ? 

Cause she's so high, high above me, she's so lovely
she's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite
Do, do, do, do do
she's so high, high above me

<33

who could deny these butterflies?

okay so. 

this guy.

i really really like him. and apparently he likes me. 

but i feel like he doesnt even try!! like im always the one talking to him. 

like this morning for example. we were talking on im. 

and it was so. flipping. awkward. 

it was just like hey. hey. whats up. nothing really. how was your christmas. fine. yeah. same. 

and i eventually just like signed off because i was sick of trying to make conversation. 

and the wholee reason he didnt ask me to the banquet was because he didnt think i liked him. 

what do i have to do? 

i dont want to be talking to him and with him like every second because he'll think i'm obsessed or lovesick or something, i dont know. 

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO !! 

help. :[

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

sooo. merry christmas to all :D

it was a great christmas. i had a lot of fun with my family.

and of course. PRESENTS :D so maggie i think your the only one who wouldn't call me superficial or freakishh so im going to list what i got haha you have to as well!!!

~ nintendooooo wii with guitar hero and DDR (i guess this is for the whole fam, but whatever)

~ lots of bath stuff (shower gels, etc)

~ some makeup brushes, new chapstick thank goodnesssss

~ like 5 pairs of socks! haha cute ones though

~ a hugee white jewelry box. i love it.

~ a cross necklace

~ a really pretty green beaded necklace with a bracelet 

~ cute purple and gold necklace with earrings

~ pajama pants with high heels all over them haha so comfy im wearing em right now. 

~ assorted candiesss and MARSHMALLOW PEEPS :D

~ $50 macys gift card

~ a watch. my mommom gave it to me and its pretty and i think it was expensive but i really would never wear it, and it doesnt really fit my wrist. but it's okay. haha

so i want to know what you got!

and plus. i thinkk tomorrow we should hang out and watch the clique movie. maybe hit some after-christmas sales? :DDDD

alright lovee you. anja 

happy christmas eve!!

so im bored and did a little surveyy :D 

[NOW ]
Current mood: not feeling very well. but happy. 
Current music: lady gaga :] 
Current taste: nothing? haha
Current hair: ponytail. 
Current clothes: pj's. 
Current annoyance: my nose is stuffy. 
Current smell: nothing really haha
Current thing I should be doing: making lunch for my brother. 
Current windows open: none
Current desktop picture: my family's portrait 
Current favorite band: no idea. 
Current book: i'm re-reading the clique summer collection. 

Current cd in stereo: josh groban christmas music. 
Current crush: him. you know who. 
Current favorite celeb: scarlett j. 

[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: never. 
Do drugs?: nope. 
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: ahh. yes. 
Remember your first love?: actually, no. 
Still love him/her?: probably not. 
Read the newspaper?: sometimes. 
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yes.
Believe in miracles?: yeah. although it's getting harder. 
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: i hope so. 
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: sometimes. i get annoyed easily, though. 
Consider love a mistake?: never. 
Like the taste of alcohol?: yeah mostly. 
Have a favorite candy?: kitkats.
Believe in astrology?: YES. 
Believe in magic?: yeah. 
Believe in god?: of course. 
Have any pets: mhmm 
Go to or plan to go to college: its in the plan. 
Have any piercings?: ears ? 
Have any tattoos?: no. i wish i did. 
Hate yourself: sometimes. 
Have an obsession?: many. 
Have a secret crush?: its not really a secret anymore haha
Have a best friend?: many. 
Wish on stars?: when i remember to. 
[ LOVE LIFE ]
Ever been in love?: i believe so. 
When did you lose your virginity?: havent lost it yet. 
Do you believe in love at first sight?: yeah. 
Do you believe in "the one?": ohhh yes. 
Describe your ideal significant other: i just want love. 

[ETC]
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: bahah yes 
Have you ever been intoxicated?: no. 
Have you ever been caught "doing something?": uhm noo? 
Are you a tease?: i can be, but usually not. 
Shy to make the first move?: definitely. 

[ APPEARANCE ]
Hair: long blonde curly. annoying. haha 
Eyes: blue. 
Height: 5'7''

[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: christmas presents for my family. 
Ate & Drank: hot chocolate, and a cookie. 
Read: something online. 
Watched on TV: degrassi. 

[ EITHER OR.. ]
beer or cider: cider. beer is nast. haha 
drinks or shots: drinks. 
cats or dogs: dogs. 
single or taken: i wouldnt know. 
pen or pencil: pen.
gloves or mittens: gloves.
food or candy: food.
cassette or cd: cd. 
coke or pepsi: neither. 

[ WHO DO YOU WANT TO.. ]
kill: no one in particular. 
get really wasted with: i guess my friends? haha 
look like: any celebrity. 
avoid: no one i dont think. 

[ LAST PERSON YOU.. ]
saw: my brother 
talked to on the phone: my mom. 
hugged: haha my mom! 
instant messaged: sarah baxterr. 
kissed: no one :[

[ HAVE YOU EVER.. ]
Drank alcohol?: yeah. 
Done drugs?: nooo. never. 
Broken the law?: jaywalking?? does that count? hahaha 
Run away from home?: nope. 
Broken a bone?: yes. 
Played Truth Or Dare?: of course. 
Kissed someone you didn't know?: nooo. 
Been in a fight?: physical with my brother verbal with everyone else haha
Come close to dying?: i think so. i probably didnt but i just thought i did. 

[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: very messy but i like it. 
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: bagel with butter. 
Your favorite restaurant?: so many. but one of my favs is the chinese place near mi casa. 
What's on your bedside table?: a lamp. books. etc. 
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: i usually drink milk or lemonade or something. 
What is your biggest fear?: being alone. and homeless people. haha
Describe your bed: comfyy. 
Spontaneous or plain?: i can be both. and i like both. 
Do you know how to play poker?: haha nope. 
What do you carry with you at all times? nothing really. sometimes my phone. 
How do you drive? haha havent tried yet 
What do you miss most about being little? no worries. 
Are you happy with your given name? actually yeah . 
What color is your bedroom? white walls but light blue stuff in it. 
Have you ever been in a play? yeahh. 
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? i feel bad for the really poor people like in africa and stuff. especially kids. but sometimes homeless people bring it on themselves, honestly. 
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? most of the time. :D 

there's a story in her eyes, lullabies and goodbyes.

i thought that graphic was pretty. 

kind of sparkly. makes me think of christmas WHICH IS IN TWO DAYS :D

and then new years. i'll be in jamaica for it but im sure there's going to be some kind of celebration at my resort.

its new years resolution time again! haha joking. i've never made resolutions. 

i've kind of figured that if i don't make them i can't fail at them. 

basically my one resolution for next year, 2009, is to be happy. 

i want to be happy no matter what happens. i dont know if its going to work out with this guy (i hope it does.) and i dont know what kind of friend drama i'll go through. 

well i guess my resolution isn't necessarily to be happy, but to have the situations end happily? 

i can't really control that. but i really hope it happens. 

love. anja 

cause we wanna live the life of the rich and famous.

i want to be famous.

like really. really. bad. 

its not even about money. i mean, it is. it's always about money haha.

its more about everyone knowing my name. my face.

my face being everywhere- magazines, tv, movies, perezhilton.

what makes you famous? 

i mean like besides the obvious- beauty, singing, acting, etc. 

does God make you famous? or people? 

because if God made you famous it's like you were destined for it. and i think i am. i really do. 

it's totally not normal to cry and to be upset that you aren't famous but thats what happens to me, haha. 

if people make you famous, then that's totally different. its sad but it all goes back to wanting acceptance from people. i want people to love me. i want them to know who i am. 

"I'm intimidated by the fear of being average." - taylor swift. 

^ so am i, taylor. so am i. 

but your smile still makes my heart sing.

i know you're going through a lot.
but you know i could be the one to hold you.

so this is another little self confidencee love yourself post. 

i think all of my friends should see that graphic because its true of all of them. on the outside and inside. 

maggie, with her ahmazing boddd and crazy curly hair. and her sensitive but fun spirit. 

sarah. with her infectious and funny laugh and fair skin. and her unbelievable understanding, of everything. 

rach. with her longg blonde hair and cutie smile. and her ability to make me laugh all the time!

alex. with her never-had-a-zit skin and her dark eyes. and her dedication to school friends and family. 

lindsayyy. with her huge smile and shiny hair. and her willingness to worry about others so much more than herself. 

haley. with her amazing thick hair and her cute nose. and her kindness to everyone, always.

hayley. with her freckless and pretty hair. and her courage and strength that i've always wished i had. 

so basically. outer beauty is good and all but you need it inside too. and i used to hate when people said that cause it sounds so contrived and cheesy, haha. but its true. 

be beautiful in more ways than one. but mostly everyone i know, doesn't even have to try. <3

let me light up the sky, light it up for you.

so i was just searching around looking at graphics and i saw this one. and i kind of like couldn't breathe when i looked at it, haha. 

i think it's so beautiful. and when i look at graphics i kind of like to think about the person in them. whats their story. what have they been through. what is the picture trying to say. 

usually i'm able to figure it out easily. but i'm kind of stumped for this one. 

any ideas? i think she might not have anything in life. so she holds the sky. the one thing that everyone has- rich or poor, black or white, girl or guy, etc. 

i'd like to think i could hold the sky. it seems like lately a lot of things have been slipping away.

and now i'm finally starting to pull it together. get some things back into my life. and even start some new ones. 

whatever we do. we always have a constant. my constants are definitely my friends and family. but i think i'm going to find more. because i don't want any more instability in my life. 

and when you dont have anything. hold the sky. 

much lovee. anja 

beautiful girls with the gorgeous eyes, hidden in a world full of hurt&lies

so. today was pretty boring. and i dont really know what to write about. 

so i'm writing about my friends. my sisters. my everything. 

idk where i'd be without them!! they basically keep me grounded through everything.

always there to help me. especially when im hurting (and then to beat up the person who hurt me :P)

so i think im gunna start like randomly doing posts for certain friends. like this one will be about maggie since your probably reading this!! haha. 

the only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. life's too short to blend in. 

~ paris hilton. 

i love that quote for youuu maggie. i think it describes you a lot because in all the years i've known you you've never blended in. even if you do the same things as other people you always stand out. especially since the world these days is so un original you always have something to do or say that breaks the mold, and i like that. your the opposite of boringg. which is good! :] 

so basically . i love you. and blogging. and us blogging. together. <3

you make me come alive.

i lovee that picture. 

we didn't exactly look like that last nite, haha. but pretttyyy close. we danced for like over two hours haha. 

the banquet. was not nearly as gay as i thought it would be!! haha. no righteous christian dj! it was like a normal ish dj who played like really cool techno stuff and remix's. also like some typical 'dance' dances ex. electric slide, etc. 

so i danced with like a lot of people. all the freshman guys basically danced and the girls danced with each other. girls just had their arms around each other or holding hands just like dancing moving not stopping. and they used all these cool colored lights and strobe lights. 

and at one point i was dancing with rachel and tara and linda. and the strobe light was really heavy and i was looking at them but i couldnt even see, like i couldn't even be sure i was really looking at them. and everyone was just dancing like crazy. 

and i felt so alive. so free. so not caring what others thought because everyone was just going crazy not caring if their hair was out of place or if they looked retarded. just in that moment everything was perfect. i wasnt worrying about the stupid guys. or how i looked or what i was doing. i was just me, surrounded by my closest friends, losing control spinning into everything i knew and everything i didn't. 

thats kind of where the quote i posted before this, comes in. its those kinds of moments that you want to have. the ones you want to keep. and i want to make more. i'm so ready to make more memories because this year, is far from over. 

lovee. anja 

oh and the font and spacing and everything for this post are so screwed up. idk what went wrong but it just looks different from my other posts? oh well. :D 

:]

Most of our lives are a series of images, they pass us by like towns on a highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens and we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

-One Tree Hill

i dont have time to write right now (family christmas partyy) but this is to lead into my next postt. <3 

and life on the road, it makes you feel old, remember the time when friends were around?

so i'm listening to this amazing song. and kind of recent events have inspiredd me a little :P

here's the full lyrics. it's one by one by unkle bob. 

one by one
I suffer you gladly
one by one
You're all I don't need

And you couldn't see,
The wood from the tree
You're eyes are unkind,
So don't look at me.

and all that you know,

is written in stone. 

One by One
I suffer you badly,
One by One
You're all I don't need

And life on the road,
It makes you feel old,
Remember the time when friends were around,
When friends were around 
When we were all friends

is this the way to be?

is this the way to be? 

so last night i got friended on facebook, by my best friend from kindergarten to when i left to go to DC. it was so cool but also weird. because we used to kind of have a group of friends, and they are all still best friends. it just makes you wonder. do they ever talk about me? do they miss me ? do they wonder where i am, what i'm doing, if i'm anything like the way i used to be?

so much has changed. i'm going to see if i can get together with her. because you never stop missing a best friend. 

xoxo. anja  

let the rain fall down, and wake my dreams.

The nice thing about rain is that it always stops eventually.

--Eeyore

it poured rain today. like legit poured, puddles everywhere.

i usually love rain. it usually matches my mood almost perfectly. 

but today i was like ready to be in a happy mood!! why couldn't it have been sunny? boo :[

i think that God matches the weather to our moods a lot of the time. 

it always seems like when i'm happy, the sun is shining. 

when i'm sad its raining. i dont know. you'd think he wouldn't have time for that kind of stuff. but i think he might. he's kind of cool like that. :D 

and my life has been kind of rainy lately, figuratively of course. 

but i hope the sun starts shining soon. i think it might. 

this weekend is going to be a HUGEE indicator of what my life will be like for probably the next couple months. much could happen. the question is. will it?

xoxo. anja 

life.

i love this quote. 

so this is for me. and for anyone whos reading this. 

usually i think that i would be lucky to hang out/be with someone. 

and everyone always tells me no they would be lucky to have YOU.  

i didnt used to believe that. i guess i still dont? but i think i'm going to try. 

after all. i dont want to around life. or at least this year, thinking i'm not worth it. 

i just hope i can realize it. and i think the banquet will help! i hope. i love getting all dressed up and feeling all special. haha. 

i'm honestly ready to try and love myself for who i am. :D  

kisses. anja 

just dance.

SHE SMASHED THe

REARViEW MiRROR with HER FiST

because starting today shes 

[ n e v e r l o o k i n g b a c k <3>

BANQUET SATURDAY :]

yesterdays post was like really depressed about the banquet. haha. and i guess i'm still feeling what i was yesterday. but for some reason today i'm like, psyched. 

i'm so excited for like hair/makeup/nails. and just getting ready.

and i think it'll be fun once i'm there. hopefully everyone isn't awkward and weird. 

and i have one rule for myself for the night. well i guess two. 

have fun. 

and no regrets. 

I AM SO SICK OF REGRETS. it seems like these days i honestly regret almost everything i do. 

"if i had done that...", "if i hadn't said that...", "if i just would've told him..." 

i'm done. because i've regretted wayy too much already this year. 

i dont want to be laying in bed, 2 am, after the banquet saying omgg. why didnt i. 

so heres to life without regrets. or at least, one night. 

kisses. anja 

i want to break free, i want to make it closer to your eyes, get your attention....

...before you pass me by. i love that song. 

so this week is banquet crazyness week. 

im dreading it, haha. we had to do table sign-ups for today and it was insane trying to get everyone together for a table. we only have like 5 people in mine so far. haha. 

and i'm upset about not having a date. i mean come on i've been upset about it since the beginning. but today i realized all the little things. 

everyone was talking about matching the ties to the dresses. getting the flowers and bouteeniers. (is that how you spell it? haha). getting rides. getting ready, taking pictures, etc. 

i miss those little things. i want them. 

almost more than an actual date. although they come with a date. 

i hate being left out, more than anything. 

which is interesting. because at my church girls bible study tonight we talked about that. being on the inside and leaving people out and such. and it really sucks being the odd one out. 

i know their are other single girls. but it feels like im the only one. 

i hate being alone. 

kisses. anja 

please don't mind what i'm trying to say, because i, i'm being honest.

honesty. 

i was on facebook and this survey thing popped up and i thought it was kind of cool. so here goes? anyone i know who is reading this can answer. i think its only you maggs, but you never know, haha. 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
1. I died:
2. I kissed your boyfriend:
3. I lived next door to you:
4. I showed up at your house unexpectedly:
5. I stole something:
6. I was hospitalized:
7. I disappeared from the face of the earth, without a trace:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:

8. Personality:
9. Eyes:
10. Singing:
11. Hair:
12. Family:
13. Smile:

WOULD YOU:

14. Trust me enough to sleep in the same bed as me?
15. Keep a secret if i told you one?
16. Hold my hand?
17. Cook for me?
18. Love me?
19. Take care of me?

HAVE YOU EVER:

20. Lied to make me feel better?
21. Wanted to kiss me?
22. Wanted to kill me?
23. Broken my heart?
24. Kept a secret from me?

AND MORE:

25. When and how did we meet?
26. Describe me in three words.
27. What was your first impression of me?
28. What reminds you of me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Are you gonna repost this to see what I say about you?

skinny.

the olsens. they are so beautiful. but more than that. their skinny. 

its everywhere. hollywood. which wouldnt be so bad if i wasnt totally obsessed with the rich and famous and spent literally every waking moment of my life wanting what they have. 

i've never been the skinny girl. its so hard to have such skinny friends. and im not blaming anyone or trying to put anyone down at all!! 

i honestly like the way i look. most of the time. i like my face and everything. 

but i hate the weight. i hate it. and the worst part is i cant make it go away. i'm not going to become anorexic or bulimic or anything. i honestly could never do that. but i hate feeling like the odd one out for it? and even my friends who think their fat are soooo not. 

probably its one of the biggest things i worry about. and it all goes back to what maggie said about being a perfectionist and everything. i want to be everything and i honestly feel like if i was like 100 pounds my life would be SO much different. 

kisses. anja

here's to the silence that cuts me to the core.

i kind of feel weird lately. 

i talk alot. its no secret, haha. but do you ever talk, and feel like no ones listening? 

or that no one can even hear you? 

that happens alot. 

but im kind of done being silent. because i think people think i talk alot about meaningless stuff. i'm shallow, girly, etc. i dont get that because i have some seriously in-depth conversations with a lot of people. 

so i guess this is my way of talking? really talking? 

kisses. anja 

can we bring yesterday back around?

cause i know, how i feel , about you now. 

im gunna steal an idea from maggie and kind of comment on how i used to be. 

I'M ANJA and I consider myself modern-day royalty. 

^ not really anymore. 

reading over that? actually reading over my whole profile? i was so alive. i was so free. i didnt care what people thought (at least not as much as i do now.) i sounded so shallow in my profile but you guys know, that i was so different. i still laugh. but i cry. a lot. a lot more than i used to. 

dont you wish you didnt have to cry?

its thinking about something thats hard. but once you see the tears fall. drops of water but not really. its you. like spilling out, on the outside and everyone can see it touch it feel it. and you'd think that something so ugly and so horrible wouldn't happen, like ever, but its totally reversed. i wish it didnt have to happen. but then again dont we wish that about so much in life. especially now. 

kisses. anja 

freshman year.
it sucks. i hate it. i dont know what to do, when to do it, how to do it. 

nothings right. and i dont have hope that it'll become right. 

everything is so confusing. and not just where your supposed to be (bio or history?) although that usually is an issue for me, haha. 

nopee. its friend stuff. guy stuff. family stuff. 

thankfully. i still have a lot of my friends. if it werent for them i really dont know where i'd be or what kind of state i would be in (either a psych ward, or somewhere worse.) basically its them that keeps me going anywhere, especially school. its kind of hard to wake up and know that you wont get to see people who you feel like are literally part of you. which sounds weird but its honestly true. 

the guys? i really dont have anything to say about that. i really dont.  

family has actually been ok. not complaining. 

i guess i'm just not used to everything. and i dont really know if i want to get used to it. 

reading over all of the rams blogs has been so funny. but it kind of makes me want to go back. 

eighth grade. i miss it. 

^ edit. actually, seventh grade. the year of the rams. basically, an ah-mazing year. 

xoxo, you know you love me, anja