just breathe.

i love you, forever and always.

well you showed me how it feels, to feel the sky within my reach.

so lately i've just been feeling really good.

honestly its auditioning. and singing and acting. i love it. every minute of it.

yeah it makes me nervous sometimes i feel like im going to collapse under it all, but honestly

nothing makes me feel more alive.

its funny, because it can be like freezing cold outside and i can have two tests the next day and tons of homework i haven't done, but being with you and singing it just takes it all away. it breathes into me. its like i cant breathe without those moments and without those kinds of things. they keep me going.

i think it goes back to when i did the american idol in disney. i keep thinking about that. because when i sang and after the last note, as the music faded and people started to cheer

i felt infinite, unstoppable, beautiful, worthy, accomplished, happy.

so happy.

those are the moments i live for.

those are the kind of moments that forever define the other moments you have, is the highest standard to which you compare every other feeling.

i want to feel like that again and for the first time in a while,

i feel like i'm going to, and it's through this and with you and it makes me so excited.

andd tomorrow is the last day before break :D

so i have borders days and christmas and family and YOU and friends to look forward to.

there is so much to look forward to thats coming up for us maggie. i'm so excited!

and im so happy we're doing this together =]

andd i am also very happy that you're happy.

i'm there for you always, love. =]

happy birthday.

(i love that one, everything applies except for the burning touch of your fingertips.. more of a couple thing i would say haha :p)

don't know why i'm still afraid, if you weren't real i would make you up, now.

i wish that i could follow through, i know that your love is true and deep, as the sea.

but right now everything you want is wrong,

and right now all your dreams are waking up

and right now i wish i could follow you,

to the shores of freedom where no one lives.

basically this is an all graphics/quotes post to celebrate your birthday. =]

i love you.

remember darling all the while, you belong to me.

those pictures remind me of summer.

lazy days, laying in the grass and of course alice in wonderland.

i want that back so badly especially now.

this week has been craziness already, so much stuff due and things to catch up on. so much to keep up with. i know i can do it, but sometimes i don't think i can.

its just that its so easy to lose myself in summer, you know?

even now i could spend an hour in my dreamland in my summer, reliving everything, being with you and in the sun and splashing in the waves with tara and shannon and being so free.

it's like being back at school chains you.

summer is endless, its limitless. you can do whatever you want.

i suree can't go out on a school night and do whatever i want to do, can i?

its that freedom that i crave, what i find myself wanting every time something's assigned or due, every time someone does something stupid that i could just avoid if it was summer.

i feel like we are summer soulmates in a way, you really understand how much i want it back because you want it back too, maybe even more than i do.

i need to start physically counting down the days like on a calendar or something haha.

there's so many places i want to be right now.

summer, my lake house in maine, california.

i just need to push past all the stress and remind myself ill be back there someday hopefully soon. thats what you need to do too my dear!

andd i cannot wait to make more summer memories. :]

dream catch me when i fall.

i'm seriously in love with the olsen twins. they are so beautiful.

and i love that third graphic, it completely reminds me of you.

gah school today was so, so long. it seemed like it would never end.

but i kept thinking about the weekend and taking pictures and being with you and shan and friends and being happy and it made me feel soo much better =]

i just love graphics, you know? they make me feel things. like when i saw that kitten picture beloww this, i was like AWWWW. and certain ones remind me of people, usually you, and some remind me of my life or the life i used to have, or the one i want. they mean something different to each person that looks at them. thats why i love them.

freedom.

this weekend was unbelievably amazing.

on friday night they did a skit, and at the end, a girl had a dance with a guy who was representing the devil and evil and such.

and i thought it was amazing, because he would hold her hand and pick her up and then smash her to the ground and she always crawled back to him.

and i could see myself in her.

and then the second night, with the second skit where the person was being beaten down (literally) by demons and someone representing Christ was screaming at him to get up, to keep fighting. and after that we all started to pray and we were shaking and crying and the youth pastor is screaming GET UP! KEEP FIGHTING! don't let go.

it was so intense you know? me and tara were just crying and holding each other and it was just letting go, getting rid of everything in our lives that was holding us back from being completely real and completely us and one with God.

and then we sang the freedom anthem.

which was just singing like "ill sing in your freedom, dance in your freedom, live in your freedom" and then the word "freedom" over and over again. and everyone was crying, standing or kneeling with their hands in the air. and then there was this one part that said:

"i'm not a failure.

i'm victorious.

i'm not a disappointment

i'm a warrior."

and then we all screamed, literally screamed, "i'm not a failure."

and it all rang so true and was so amazing. it changed my life.

God wrecked us and completely rebuilt us.

i'm so incredibly blessed that i was able to be at the retreat.

i have a feeling none of us will be the same ever again. we already are different.

it's just awesome.

i feel so happy.

i love it!

dear best friend.

maggie,

every word on those graphics is absolutely, 100 percent true.

especially the last one. i saw that and was like oh my gosh, thats her.

so here goes, because i know that you're going through stuff right now that honestly sucks. things that shouldn't have to happen and they aren't fair and they aren't what you want.

i love you, and you mean everything to me.

you are one of the strongest people i know. you always keep your composure.

you make me want to be stronger, to change, to be a better version of myself.

i go to school to see your pretty facee and to talk to you and to laugh with you, because like that second picture says, you always make me laugh. its like i cant help but laugh when im around you- your weirdo faces and accents and our strange inside jokes.

so i know this date thing right now, sucks. it's not fun and i'm not sure any advice i give could make it feel any better, i pretty much have that gift where my advice sometimes makes people just feel worse, haha. but i hope this makes you feel better, because you always make me feel better my dear.

this is all going to work out. you gotta have faith that it is going to, because if you go into this whole new relationship not thinking that way it's not gonna be any good. you gotta hold your head high and know that you're his, and nothing is going to change that- no homecoming dance or annoying girl or fight. things will happen, and you'll make it through them. you always do.

don't worry about a thing.

every little thing, is gonna be alright.

we're burning down the highway skyline.

so true.

last weekend was

amazing.

even though we had to wake up at four in the morning. and i got a ear infection on the plane, and we both had little fails (actually mostly i did.. haha).

we saw the killers. in california. together.

every part of that day was pretty amazing (except for the rainforest cafe bathroom fail...)

ghiradelli chocolate festival? yes please.

but more than that, haha.

the concert.. omg. that was just incredible. i dont have to tell you that, you already know.

i still get chills whenever i hear when you were young. they completely gave it all on that one.

i don't plan on making this a long post, except for packed with graphics lol, because i feel like for some things, words just arent needed.

last weekend was a weekend that didn't need words, you know?

^for the record, this is my favorite graphic i've ever had/seen. i've been waiting for the perfect post to use it in.

that was the best birthday of my life. being in my favorite place in the world, singing along with my favorite bandd, and being with my best friend in the world, youu. =]

this is just to say thanks.

thanks for being there for me. thanks for coming with me.

thanks for being part of the best weekend of mylife.

iloveyou.

summer 09.

oh summerrr.

i didn't think it would go by so fast.

it seems like it just started, you know? like school was just ending. or i was just at field hockey camp, or in maine, or singing in disney world.

It's funny how one summer can change everything. It must be something about the heat and the smell of chlorine, fresh-cut grass and honeysuckle, asphalt sizzling after late-day thunderstorms, the steam rising while everything drips around it. Something about long, lazy days and whirring air conditioners and bright plastic flip-flops from the drugstore thwacking down the street. Something about fall being so close; another year, another Christmas, another beginning. So much in one summer, stirring up like the storms that crest at the end of each day, blowing out all the heat and dirt to leave everything gasping and cool. Everyone can reach back to one summer and lay a finger to it, finding the exact point when everything changes.
~Sarah Dessen, That Summer

that quote really couldn't be more true.

things did change this summer. for me, for you, for everyone.

i think that's how everyone can come back to school no matter how much they don't want to-

because things have changed, they have changed, and they want to see how everyone else has too. thats true for me at least, i like to try to predict what'll happen in the upcoming year,

but let's be honest,

everything changes during the summer.

hearts soar, or they break. friendships grow stronger, or they dissolve.

things fall apart or they fall together.

i think somehow, in all the crazyness that was my summer, things fell together.

i'm not sure how. and i'm not sure i'll know how, for a while, or maybe ever.

all i know is that something feels right. this summer felt right.

this summer felt like i was where i was supposed to be, finally. with the people i was supposed to be with.

it's like i spent last year searching for a place and for people, and i found them and thats what my summer was made up of.

i couldn't have asked for a better summer.

i did some amazing things in these almost-three months.

and i have no regrets.

and as for that first graphic? i love the saying at the top. memories are just gah amazing. i made some really amazingg memories this year and a lot of the best ones have been with you maggie. boysboysboys! ;p but even better than that, is that i know how many memories we're going to make in the future. california and the killers. we are going to have the best time. ever. i can't wait.

so to closee, i hope you had an amazing summer my love. i'm pretty sure you did.

here's to summer 09, best summer of my life.

for now we are young, let us lay in the sun, and count every beautiful thing we can see..

i don't want school to start.

first of all, i didn't do any summer reading. i'm not prepared at all, i have no school supplies! i haven't even tried on my kilt, who knows if it even fits.

but its not even about all that.

its about summer ending.

i feel like sometimes summer is like a book

and once school starts, it shuts, and it's never really opened again. like no one wants to talk about it anymore, because its in the past and its done with and its time to make new memories.

but if you've read this blog, at all, or know me, at all,

i have issues with moving on ;p

nah i definitely have moved on from certain things.

last night i had this horrible insomnia though. like i was so awake, and i had like really bad leg pain and i layed in bed and cried for like three hours from like 1-4 in the morning. and i tried to get out of bed and i just cried harder because my leg hurt so bad. it was so bizarre and painful and i just wanted to die. it's been that way for the past three days.

so now if i wake up tonight, im going to get up and walk around. like take a walk around my neighborhood or something. maybe it'll be like that sarah dessen book and ill find an adorable boy with insomnia and we'll be perfect for each other and explore paoli by night ;p

i am excited to see everyone though. it'll be nice to be able to all hang out again! =]

looking at you makes it harder, but i know that you'll find another..

so this is it.

this is the last time i'm going to write about you.

this is the LAST TIME i'm going to cry about you because this isn't worth it.

you don't deserve to be in my head like this.

it's not fair that im all messed up and i'm sure you're not. i'm sure you're just living your stupid douchey life.

maybe later, i'll be ready to talk again, and to like be friends again.

but honestly this isn't good for me right now.

you're not good for me.

why did you do all this?

or honestly it's more about what you didn't do.

why didn't you talk to me?

did you care?

i did.

i never stopped caring.

i still do, and i don't want to.

caring means that you still have some kind of hold on me

and i don't want to start a new year with that. i don't want anyone to have anything on me.

and i still don't regret anything. after all this crapppp i've been feeling.

it wasn't okay to run away like that.

it's still not and i'm pretty much accepting that you aren't ready for anything, and you just might not be the person i thought you were.

i put you up so high.

you are so low.

so this is for every thought i've wasted worrying about you and about this.

i really hate that i ended up feeling this way, i never thought i would.

but this is it.

this is the end of me feeling like this because

you

don't

matter.

you don't have a hold on me anymore. i'm living my life without you because frankly you're not in my life anymore.

when you are, i'll deal with it then.

but right now, it's about me.

it's my life. with my best friends and my last two weeks of summer

and you don't control the way i think anymore.

i don't know what to do, i think i'm falling for you..

I closed my eyes, thinking back to summer and cool pool water and long days with nothing to do except go swimming and sleep late.

~Sarah Dessen, Someone Like You

mehhhh.

i don't want summer to end.

it's not fair.

im talking to sarah and she said, what do you want?

what do i want?

i want to spend forever here. forever summer.

i want to wear tshirts and flipflops and shorts. i want to see my friends whenever i want to.

i want to go back to maine.

keep staying up late, and sleeping in. watching movies and reading and degrassi marathons and anything i want. water ice and ice cream and lemonade.

best friends. and boys.

and just everything, you know?

summer isnt just summer.

its likee vibes ! good carefree vibes =]

andd im pretty sure once september rolls around the vibes are gonna be gone.

school. please kill me?

buttttt we have a month left. one more glorious month :D

and i wanna make the best of it !!

the stars lean down to kiss you as i lie awake and miss you..

When violet eyes get brighter,

And heavy wings grow lighter,

I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.

And I'll forget the world that I knew,

But I swear I won't forget you,

Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,

I'd whisper in your ear,

Oh darling I wish you were here.

the song 'vanilla twilight' by owl city, describes my life right now.

i seriously could put every single lyric in here.

i miss him. i miss the way things were :/ but i guess it has to be this way ?

but i really haven't been thinking about it, i've been trying to avoid that as much as i can.

i have too much else to think about and to focus on.

ironically, it's the exact same way summer started.

i was thinking about him.. and i knew he wasn't about me.

and it's the same way now.

and it's not fun. that's for sure. it's the loneliest feeling you know?

i feel like i'm wasting my time but there's no other way i'd want to waste it.

its like that saying, never regret something that once made you smile.

and i don't, really. i actually dont regret anything i've done this summerr and thats seriously amazing =]

soo yeah i just have to think about other things you know? i have so much going for me at this point (ha it doesnt feel like it at times though :p) so i havee to focus on other stuff.

it's not worth obsessing about something that isn't going to happen at least not anytime soonn.

meh.

thatss my life at the momentt. haha.

my little rants :p

i can't dwell on the pastt. i'm moving forwards. =]

love and memories.

i love those pictures. =]

well i was looking over my list last night. my list of the things i wanted to accomplish this summer. and since we have aboutt a month and a week left (i know, i know. it sucks.) i figured it would be a good timee to maybe do some evaluating? =]

heres the list, my comments in italics :

~ spend as much time possible with you and shannon. (this has actually happened :DD )

~ spend time with tons of my friends, for that matter. baxter, and lindsay, and alex, and everyone. (i havent seen hardly anyone else :/ but im making plans to right now! )

~ have no regrets. (actually right now i have none. surprisingly so.)

~ do something i never would expect myself to do, or that no one would expect me to do. (i absolutely did this.)

~ have an amazing time, with a certain boy. you know who. ( haha =]] )

~ feel better about myself. (yeah. actually yeah this has been taking place, not too much but its there and its a start i guess)

~ get a tan !! :] (YAY yes i have a tan noww ! its uneven with some burn but w/e :p)

~ i think you and me and shan should take a day trip, or two day trip somewhere. just like a little getaway, anywhere. beach maybe? i don't care. that would just bee so fun. (day trip to the beach. without shan :[ next time thoughh! )

~ borders days. (we still need to have one!!!!! ive had my own and they were great fun :p)

~ exercise more for a better preseason. (this makes me sad. i might not even be able to do preseason. )

~ make new friends. (for sure. field hockey camppp hello! )

~ don't lose touch with people like i usually do. (ive been better.. talking to you, hayley, sarah and shan almost every dayy.)

~ never lose hope. in myself, and in the things around mee. (haha this ones been hard.)

~ try breathing once in a while instead of stressing out. (see above comment.. hahah)

so really.. i didn't do so badd! and i still have time to work on some of the other ones.

this is actually the first summer i've made goals and actually achieved some.

i feel really happy.

i feel like this summer i've done things. i've been places. i've learned and i've lived and while i haven't loved every minute (at times) it's been amazing, and completely necessary for me, and the person that i am and want to be.

i've been loading tons of pictures lately, and i stumbled on some from last summer.

actually a lack of pictures. i seriously .. didn't have a life.

i had friends. really good friends. best friends. but not like the amazingg relationships i have with them noww =]

i had noo guy stuff (which isnt always bad, i've learned.)

i feel like this summer has been a step in the right direction for me.

i'm becoming someone who i might like !

andd i can only hope that in the last days of summer i'll be able to fill them with more memories like the awesome ones i've had so far.

i don't even need what's to come to know that

this has been the best summer of my life.

it wasn't THE summer. that's still to come i believe :p

but it was different. new. and really nice.

i justt am in a good mood i guess.. not everything this summer has been perfect THAT'S for sure. but in all its turned out pretty darnn well.

love always&forever. anj

if i could be so bold, i'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

"I knew that there were no guarantees. No way of knowing what came next for me, or him, or anybody. Some things don't work out, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there."

-- This Lullaby, Sarah Dessen

i felt the need to write this after my post yesterday :p

which was like RAPE.

hahahah.

but after our lovely walk and talk in coldstone today which was amazing and so necessary,

i feel so much betterrr.

i didnt even really feel that way you know like it was just kind of a meh feeling for an hour

but now

as you know

i am very good =]]

except for the fact that he like, wont talk to me, and its upsetting

it shouldn't be that way though like i shouldn't feel too bad about this. i just get so like LRNAEWJRNEJLKNREK :p

anyways.

just thought id throw all this out there =]

loveyouuuu !!

well, everyone i know has got a reason to say push the past away.

i don't know how all of this makes me feel.

there are times when what happened felt amazing, and when you replay it so much in your head that you can feel it all over again and you just want to be back there reliving it, because it's not going to happen again.

and then there's that little part of you that was supposed to make you whole

but feels so empty.

its like that feeling where you just feel a little bit let down.

what was i expecting, really?

i'm not exactly sure.

i don't even know if i really knew what i wanted.

this makes it sound horrible

and it wasn't.

at

all.

this is just the aftermath a little bit. the feeling in the back of my mind.

i don't really know what to make of it. so im just typing it all out to get it out because thinking about this is seriously going to rip me apart.

you know how i overthink

and im startingto.

not even. i already am, i mean, duh.

alejrnaejkrne

i need to see you. like tomorrow.

i need to tell you everything in person.

i really miss you.

i loveyou.

if you're going, well i wanna go there too.

aelhrbljhwer

wow.

i really and truly didn't expect to have fun at camp.

seriously? 8 hours of field hockey a day. waking up at like 6 30 in the morning. PAIN.

awesome roommates. new friends. great food :p greater memories.

i wish i had taken pictures. but we were always gross and sweaty? :p

and now im going through the campsickness 

because it's happened before, and the worst is when you forget what they look like. 

absolute worst feeling EVERR. or one of the worst. so i keep like replaying stuff in my head so i'll remember. 

what a good start to the summer. 

i can't wait to hang out with you and shan. 

i can't wait to live life. carefree. and happy :] 

and i'm really excited about what's to come, and i don't know what will, but something will and i hope its good!! :D 

alehjrbjelhr

ill write more later

just had to get this out.

 :]

every second counts, cause there's no second tries. so live like you're never living twice.

goals for this summer, summer 2009. 

~ spend as much time possible with you and shannon.

~ spend time with tons of my friends, for that matter. baxter, and lindsay, and alex, and everyone.

~ have no regrets.

~ do something i never would expect myself to do, or that no one would expect me to do.

~ have an amazing time, with a certain boy. you know who. 

~ feel better about myself.

~ get a tan !! :]

~ i think you and me and shan should take a day trip, or two day trip somewhere. just like a little getaway, anywhere. beach maybe? i don't care. that would just bee so fun. 

~ borders days.

~ exercise more for a better preseason. 

~ make new friends. 

~ don't lose touch with people like i usually do. 

~ never lose hope. in myself, and in the things around mee.

~ try breathing once in a while instead of stressing out. 

and.. to have a summer i'll never forget. 

I'm don't know why it's not so clear, but I feel I've known you for years, laughing cause we've got nothing to lose.

last night was really, really fun.

i didn't really expect to have fun, honestly.

i basically thought i was just gonna hang around on the outside feeling fat? haha.

but for some reason last night i didn't feel self concious. except my bathing suit bottoms almost fell off a few times, but it's okay, haha.

i felt includedd. and just happy. happy to be a part of things. happy to finally have amazing friends who were all together. happy to finally do things on friday nights. 

if that was the start of summer, i'm really excited ! 

and tar and linds had a blast. i'm so glad. i love them so much and i'm really glad everyone totally got along! it was so cool to have everyone together. except for like egan and the random guys who disappeared like the whole party? am i the only one who noticed that? haha :p

except for the creeps we didnt know, i got along with everyonee! except when i called ao "gayo" :p i couldn't resistt! and now he probably hates me more but whateverr.

even when gar was being sucha weirdo i was like gar just stop. no one wants to see you dancing like that. and hes like i love you anjaa! i was like love you tooo! haha. idk that just made me feel better like he actually doesn't hate me. 

i always automatically think people hate me, haha. they usually dont,

except for gay-o :p

the only bad thingg is i have like a cold. my nose is stuffy and i've been coughing but it's not horrible. 

i really miss you.

i want to hear all about your night.

you need to blog again, asap.

i love youu. forever. :]